No Pictures, Because It’s For Adults

“Get Felt” would be an ear-catching name for a story about a hat-maker in high demand named Laura Felt.

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[right after Christmas]  I see all those deflated Santas in everyone’s yards.  I know how they feel.

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I looked into my neighbor’s yard one afternoon and wondered why that small deer was standing all alone.  As I drove closer, I saw it was their German Shepherd.

Later, driving around town, a van whizzed by and at first glance I thought its logo said “Affordable Beers”, but when I caught up at the next light, I saw (barely) that it really said “Affordable Doors”.  (This particular mis-reading gives me even further pause than just the failing eyesight.)

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“Right As Raymond” might be a good name for a sequel to “Everybody Loves Raymond”, where apparently, Raymond has a high accuracy rate.  He’s also now got a big sports gambling problem.

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I picture a previous incarnation of me as a court jester, trying to keep the king amused.  He could be so crotchety, especially when the Queen wasn’t putting out.  So I’d say to her, “Why do you keep insisting that you won’t do anal?  You’ve already fucked an ass.”

She was not amused.

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Self-talkers, stop listening to yourselves for a second, and pay attention please!  Another way to get away with talking to yourself in public, besides the pretend earpiece, is to do it while you chew your food in a crowded noisy pub.  Just don’t choke on your words.  Or order the crow.

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This time of year, tired, dyslexic Jews burn the candles at both ends.  #fakockedHannukah

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I worked hard to de-vein a large shrimp and thought to myself, “What the hell have you been eating?” (I’m more empathetic toward krill.)

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Weird how when you have something on your mind, it’s good to get it off your chest.

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My friend’s mom has advanced Parkinson’s disease.  She talks to her four cats, but only has one.

My friend lovingly calls her mom “crazy as a coot”.  The crazy coot said a plane landed in her back yard last night, and the vibration was unexpectedly nice.

Freud would have a field day with the previous line.

(Fields make excellent landing strips.)

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My mom’s still in the hospital.  I try to keep us entertained.

Channels available on Hospital TV:

  • Tropical Fish channel
  • Queen Latifah channel
  • channel not available

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Obama’s domestic numbers may be down, but I hear he polls well with the Danish prime minister.

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“Smunny, fart people!” ~ me, attempting to say “funny, smart people”, but not really paying attention.

Stupidity stinks.

OK, just this one picture to illustrate stupidity.

OK, just one picture.  The stench of stupidity induces mouth-breathing.

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2 Responses to No Pictures, Because It’s For Adults

  1. herschelian says:

    Your posts make me laugh – even when I don’t understand what I’m laughing at — frinstance the whole Arkansas/Alabama thing.
    I am now not in China but in Sconnie Botland, arguing with my 89yr old mum and drinking gin& tonic (not necessarily in that order). Back to China at the end of Jan. Hope you and yours had a good Christmas and that 2014 is a good year in every way possible. PS I’m not Jewish but I’m adopting the word ‘fackocked’ – its genius!

    • Your comments mean so much to me as I greatly admire your blog and writing. STRANGEST coincidence – I’d been meaning to check your blog to see if you’d resumed after being back in the UK during the summer. (I’ve been more preoccupied and less organized than usual due to my own mum’s health woes this year.) And I finally did visit your blog (but didn’t have a chance to read/remark yet) on the very same day that you visited my blog and left your excellent comment. At the risk of sounding arrogant (I’m usually not) – great minds must have been thinking alike! It’s also interesting that you admit laughing when you’re not sure why – sometimes when I write or say something, I have the same sensation. And like an animal I go back to the evidence and sniff and walk around it and look at it again to figure out why it was funny. Probably not good to overanalyze but hey I’m Jewish, (non practicing of course) and highly neurotic. Facocked (pronounced “fuhkahkt” with emphasis on the second syllable) is a Yiddish word that probably is essentially the German for crooked, I’m guessing, but the connotation from the American English slang (I think) is like “fucked-up”. How I love language. Looking forward to diving back into your blog and future communications. Be well, happy new year, have a g&t for me, and be glad you don’t live in Arkansas or Alabama, the two go-to states in the American South that we comics like to ridicule most.

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