The Gum Diet

So recently I was on kind of a Gum Diet.  I don’t mean I’ve been consuming or swallowing gum. Let me explain.

When you chew gum frequently, as I do, you usually have a pretty good stockpile of it somewhere in your purse, or your car, or elsewhere.  But every once in awhile, you’ll run out of gum, and then not chew it for a few days, due to some kind of extenuating circumstance.  Maybe you were on a trip, or you had an extended colonoscopy. Before you realize it, you find that a whole week has gone by, and you haven’t chewed a single piece of gum!  You suddenly find that you are really craving it.  So, finally, you find some time to get to the store and buy some gum. You rush through the checkout, get to your car, and fumble with your keys trying to get in. You get in the car (big excitement here), and take out your new supply of gum. You act like you’re examining some precious contraband….you start to salivate….and you realize suddenly how much you have missed your gum! It is at that moment that you realize that you have been on a Gum Diet, and it’s high time to end it.

So you choose which of the 42 packs of gum in your hand is the one you’re gonna break into first, and you decide on the spearmint Ice Cubes. You take out a little white cube, and examine it closely. “Look at that beautiful powdery white surface”, you think. “There are such pretty green dots all over…they are so pretty…” You pop the first cube into your mouth. And then you pop another, and another….and then immediately regret it! What if you overdose?! This is too much of a shock to the system! You should have taken it slower. You think to yourself, “My tolerance is waaaay down, man!”

But then you settle down as your system adjusts, and you get your gum fix. You suck all the sugar out of the wad of gum in your mouth….spit it out, re-load and repeat…again and again…..and before you know it, you’re back up to 15-20 packs of gum a day, chewing people under the table, left and right.

*Sigh*……high tolerance sucks, man. This gum tastes like cabbage!

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