Diary of a Midget: I Live In Normal People’s Fart-Wakes

By Erasmus B. Small


As one of the world’s population of Little People, I feel it necessary to get up on my soap box (more than you can actually imagine), and tell the world the dirty secret no one wants to talk about:  we little people walk among the vapors emitted from regular peoples’ derrieres.  That is to say, very few “normal” people seem to realize just what a state of torture we little people are constantly in.  Full-sizeds have no idea, apparently, of how many gaseous emanations they produce throughout the day.  I suspect that the ratio of regular air to fart-wake air little people are forced to inhale in a crowded room is probably right around 50/50.

While we realize we will always have to live with this issue at one level or another, people at large should know about this, and do all they can to hold back their SBDs until the room’s been cleared of midgets.  Some of us actually like to make the best of the situation by playing little games like “Name That Smell”, where we try to guess what someone’s had to eat by deciphering their backside’s aroma.  (This is not to be confused with the other “Name That Smell” game that people play while driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.)  But make no mistake; this little game is just a minor distraction on the rough road filled with exhaust fumes that is our life.

If you get down to the bottom of it all, what I’m trying to do is to create some “sphincter awareness” among the general public.  It’s not just about clamping down on the solid stuff.  Evolved beings control it all.  Please bear that in mind the next time you’re subconsciously considering farting in a dwarf’s face.

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