It’s a weird coincidence that I was just about to publish this piece on casinos I’d written a couple of months ago when I saw on CNN that a new casino had opened in New York City. That’s very exciting for a lot of people. (Not for the people pictured, though. They look like they’re from Nebraska.)
I was inspired to write the piece after hearing about a study of what people do at casinos. (I’m amazed by the things they spend research dollars on these days. I would have investigated this for a free buffet meal.)
Apparently, the big study revealed the following (mind-blowing) things that people do at casinos: gamble, eat, drink, and have sex. Who knew? Then I thought of all the old people that go to casinos. Were they in this study? Based on what I’ve observed in casinos, they must have comprised the majority of it. And then it hit me – of course all the old people going to casinos are having sex. They’re probably having wild sex parties when they’re not standing in the buffet line or feeding quarters into slot machines (which is kind of an erotic activity in and of itself, when you think about it). These high rollin’ seniors are probably hitting each other with ancient cringe-making lines like, “What are you doing after the orgy?”
I realize now that going to the casino is all just a clever cover for that older generation, who are too embarrassed to talk about sex, but who obviously still really want it. And then I thought of some older relatives of ours who go to the casino all the time. Here we thought they were going there to gamble. Ha! I told my husband what I thought, and he said, “No way, Uncle Leo doesn’t have full range of motion in his left arm since he fell”. To which I replied, “You think he injured it falling down the steps of the Smithsonian, but maybe he didn’t.”
When my generation gets old (which won’t be long, now), I picture a bunch of biddies dressed liked whores, hanging out at casinos….a Joan Collins-type draped over a slot machine where some cute old guy is making some very suggestive hand motions. She squints and says to him, “Eh, that is one sexy prosthetic piece you’ve got there….that is a prosthetic, right?”
And what about all the old couples that go to the casino who are not having sex? Well, we’ll never know who they are, and that’s how they probably want it. But I suspect there are so few of them, it’s best to assume every older couple you see at the casino will later on be swinging from the chandeliers in their fancy casino hotel room.
Come on, that shouldn’t be so hard.
[Squawked in old woman’s voice:] “That’s what SHE said!” [Squawk!]