This May Not Bear Re-Tweeting

I have it on good word (very few words, actually):  Twitter is exploding.  That’s great, but I find Twitter very confining.  It does train one, though, to be inventive in catching folks’ attention in 140 characters or less.

In the spirit of Tweeting (i.e., keeping it short for the narrow-attention-spanners), I offer a variety of short essays for your personal enjoyment.

1.  Don’t Get Up In Arms About This.  Do you think the Venus de Milo might have been one of the earliest Thalidomide babies?  (I know that’s silly.  Women didn’t start taking Thalidomide until the late 1950’s.)  In case you’re not aware, Thalidomide was an anti-nausea drug women took in early pregnancy which caused serious birth defects, notably an absence of arms.

I knew a guy at college who was a T-baby.  His name really was Bob.  (Sick joke on the part of his parents, I know.)  Best Frisbee player I ever saw, though…..without arms.  But seriously, he could throw and catch really well with his feet.  He could do everything with his feet.  (Come to think of it, he had to do everything with his feet.)

2.  Official “George Carlin Word/Phrase/Thought of the Day”:  Today, it’s the word “Oversight”.  It can mean two very different things…first, the thing a manager does, like oversight of a project.  But, it can also signify a complete LACK of oversight.  “The manager forgot to pay everyone…it was a major OVERSIGHT!”  How can one word’s meaning be so opposite in both instances?  I’ll tell ya how.  It’s English.  Ask George.  This stuff drove him crazy, and delighted him at the same time (and gave him a lot to do!).

 

 

 

 

 

 

3.  “Get A Stall!”  This would be a good line to say to two people getting overly frisky where they should not.  Or, you could say this if you are on a farm and two animals begin to have sex in front of you, and it makes you uncomfortable.

4.   The Possessive Body Part “Love Song” List:

  • Your Urethra (is beautiful)
  • My Myocardium (loves you)
  • His Hysterectomy (does not make sense)
  • Her Herpes (ok, now I’m just getting silly.)

5.   I live in New England.  You have to watch out for the colorful perils of winter:

  • Black ice.
  • White outs.….Brown outs.
  • Yellow snow.  (Come to think of it, you might find this just about anywhere.  Like Frank Zappa said, don’t eat it.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

6.  Honk If You’re Following Too Closely.

Christian bumper sticker:  “Jesus is my co-pilot”.

Jewish bumper sticker:  “My God can save you 15% on car insurance”.

7.  Join The Club:  I was wondering the other day….do you think anyone has ever had two club feet?  Might they be popular on golf courses?  Now, that is someone who should not feel bad about renting a cart.

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