In my twenties, I found it amusing to look at the personal ads in the local “hip, free” newspaper, the Hartford Advocate. I thought it was wild that people would represent themselves with various acronyms (MWM was a married white male; SBF signified a single black woman; SJF was a single Jewish female….you get the picture). Mostly there were “traditional“ acronyms, with the occasional “Bi” or “Bi-curious” moniker thrown in there to thrill us.
Well, things have changed. I just took a good hard look at the personal ads in the latest Advocate while my son was getting a haircut yesterday. Acronyms have somewhat been replaced by pictures and detailed stats of your potential massager. (I’d say masseuse, but that would probably be generous.) (Also, why do so many whores take the professional name “Sheba”?)
The first image my eyes alighted upon was of a woman with a figure similar to Nicki Minaj’s before the butt implants. In other words, she had an enormous ass. I forget her name, but she gave her height as 5’1″, along with some other very voluptuous stats. You could plainly see her ripe little body in the picture, but her face was blurred. Perhaps they were trying to achieve a similar effect to what the client would experience in his likely drug-addled or psychotic state.
Another prominent ad with a clearer picture was for a “real” shemale. Two noteworthy items in his/her description were “passable sexy” (yes, “passable”), and “9.5 functional”.
Many of the ads had a new term I’d not seen: “in/out”. At first I thought, “well, duh!” But then I realized it did not simply mean someone was willing to have sex. After a scan of more personal ads, I realized “in/out” probably meant you had the option of going to them, or having them come to you. How convenient.
Another interesting new term I saw was “prostate massage”. That’s a new way to put it, I must say. What’s next, “free seminal vesicle roto-rooter service”?
Finally, I noticed one of the massagers was offering a “free trial”. It may be free to you, but if you end up in front of a judge with “John” written all over your face, it won’t be free to taxpayers footing the bill for your prison room and board. Hey, look on the bright side: maybe the taxpayers will throw in a few packages of MGCs (Magnum Gold Condoms) for good measure. Those would come in handy on those occasions when you’re about to become a “convict’s bride“.
Hhhmmm….dare I envision a future “personals” section in the Advocate devoted to prison bridal ads? At this point, nothing would surprise me.