Fairytale Prequels: I suspect that even the most benign-sounding fairy tales have a juicy back-story.
In the prequel to “Rumplestiltskin”, I imagine that the poor young woman whose father declared to the king that she could spin gold from straw was actually a professional pumpkin painter who practiced by pinching paupers’ pusses with puny pliers. Actually, she was a schizo gone off her meds who eats mushrooms from the magical forest and projects all her strange fantasies onto other people via her tremendous empathic abilities. Then, in a fugue state, she gets knocked up by the king, returns dreamily to her cottage, and eventually finds herself delivering a child a scant six months into a seemingly inexplicable marriage to the king himself.
And it was all secretly orchestrated by an evil midget named Rumplestiltskin, owner of Medieval Times Human Trafficking Corporation, LLC.
Little-known fact: Rumpy himself was the first human-like creature ever to utter the words, “Do you know who I am?”
And they all lived happily ever after.
Tolerance of Zeroes: Here’s an idea for a new anti-bullying program that schools can use: its hero would be Teddy Roosevelt, and it would be called “Bully For Anti-Bullying!” The slogan: “Speak softly and carry a big stick. But don’t use it, because that would be violent.”
Blown Appetit: I recently overheard my son say to his friend as he was gathering some laundry, “Hey Nick, do you want a jelly bean I just found at the bottom of my hamper? It’s orange.”
The Polygamy Files: So, Mitt Romney’s got binders of women. Why is everyone surprised? Did you not see the “Joy Books” on HBO’s Big Love? The books wherein the secret polygamist sect’s male elders documented and tracked the young females until they were of marriageable age? You didn’t see that? I was waiting for the episode where they became fixated on Asian girls in a separate “Joy Luck Book”. I’m sure it would have had a happy ending.