Today I spent 25 minutes on hold for the Colin McEnroe Show (almost half the entire show, which was about a cappella singing groups), and never got on the air. I wouldn’t have minded holding for so long, if it weren’t for the following factors, which I offer below, for your consideration.
1. The “phone guy” kept checking in with me periodically, at first every five minutes or so, but then in the last seven minutes of my total “hold time”, it seemed like he was checking in at ever-decreasing intervals. The whole time, I’m looking at the clock in my car and thinking, the show’s going to be over before he gets to me. But he kept coming back and saying, “Are you there, Joanna? Good! Hang on!” And so encouraged thusly, I hung on.
2. I actually had initially called the radio station twice, and somehow got cut off. Apparently, I just had to call back a third time, wait 25 minutes on hold, and listen to the Quirks (a local a cappella group) sing through my tinny little phone. (They actually sounded great.)
3. Although this is a manifestation of my creative paranoia, while on hold, I imagined Colin frantically looking around the control room for anyone or anything other than me that he could put on the radio. He kept introducing new guests in the last minutes of the show, he took other calls, he took dropped calls, and still I held on, because I wanted to promote the Glastonbury Chorus. I feel great conviction when I say my comments would have been more worthwhile to the on-air community than those of the last caller, a woman who told us her daughter was away at prep school and was part of a “bunch of a cappella” groups, and she was so happy she could fit them in, what with all her other activities. How f%^king precious, I was thinking, as I watched the clock run out on me.
4. Wolfie was home sick. Gosh darned if you guys can’t do anything right when she’s not around.
SO, most importantly, WHAT WAS I GOING TO SAY ON-AIR ABOUT THE GLASTONBURY CHORUS???? Please see below (I typed it on my laptop while on hold). I’ll even add the chorus’ website, which I wasn’t going to say on the air. I was gonna try to be classy.
Comments that Joanna WOULD have had if she’d somehow made it through the telephonic morass at the Colin McEnroe show today:
“Hello there, thanks for taking my call….I have to say I have the utmost respect for musicians and singers. I’m the person who claps wildly after each number the mariachi band plays at your local Mexican restaurant. And when you think about it, a cappella singers really are a mix of singer and musician AND arranger, and that’s very cool.
Anyway I didn’t call to talk about that…I called to talk about myself…or rather a vocal group I’ve been a part of for more than 14 years. It’s the Glastonbury Chorus, and we’ve successfully flown under the radar for over 25 years now. This call is part of an elaborate strategy to try to get us some attention. And actually we perform a wide variety of music, including a smattering of a cappella pieces. Some of our singers are members of a cappella and barbershop groups in the area, so we’ve got that going for us. Plus we’ve got a great director and accompanist, and I can’t say enough good things about the Glastonbury Chorus, so I’ll stop right now. Except it’s a great amateur group that requires no auditions and it’s a great starting point for the less experienced singer. And also the Quirks sound awesome. Thank you for taking the time to listen to me.”