My Seasonal Disorder Is Affecting Me

Adolescent Nation I am tiring of the pervasive superficiality in our country.  Who are our heroes?  Football players and their dim-bulb actress/model wives.  It’s like we’re perpetually in high school, celebrating the beautiful people.  We’re just not evolved as a group.

Bill Maher analyzed it further in the “New Rules” segment on a recent installment of his HBO show, “Real Time”.  He posited that many American men feel sort of useless and emasculated these days, so they try to recapture their manliness by obsessing over sports, hording guns, and embracing pharmaceuticals to not only maintain but also attain sexual desire and stamina.

To paraphrase Joan Rivers, “Oh, grow up, America!”

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“O” Zone Celebrating:  Watching professional football with my kid, I learned thirteen-year-old boys enjoy yelling, “Suck a dick!” when their team scores a touchdown.  I asked my son to avoid repeating that phrase after he kept saying it during the AFC championship game a couple of Sundays ago.  I urged him to stop uttering it, because God knows what sort of unexpected neural pathways it might pave.  He then surprised me by asking, “Didn’t you once mention you had a gag reflex?  Would you actually even be able to suck a dick?”

I then decided to mess with his head, since he’d refused to stop being vulgar.  (Fight fire with fire, I’ve always said.) (Plus, I do enjoy an excuse to be vulgar.)

I replied, “Oh, you just have to get in the zone.”

He was visibly taken aback.  “The zone?”

“Yeah, the O-zone.  Yah know, ‘O’, as in ‘oral’.

And that shut him up.

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Shot In The Hip When someone says about an elderly person, “she’s not getting any younger”, what they really mean is “she probably won’t get much older”.

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#liveinthegray:  Perhaps I’m a little slow on the uptake, but I finally realized that when something good happens, it’s not necessarily only because we deserve it.  Conversely, it’s not just because we’re “lucky”.  It can actually be a combination of the two.

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A Maxim:  My brain seems to have a mind of its own.

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He’s Baaaaack:  Tiger Woods just won the Farmer’s Open.  Bet he was motivated because he thought the prize package included the Farmer’s Daughter.

tiger woods tipping his hat

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Caveat Empath-tor:  Beware, because I plan to capitalize on your better nature.

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“Depends Thong”:  I had thought this was my original concept, but now realize it’s probably what’s been keeping Barbara Walters dry and VPL-free all these years.

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