The Annihilation of Bacon (And Other Modern Horrors)

Physics For Dummies:  Why Do Kids Wear Shorts In The Winter?  Because they’re out of touch with reality, that’s why.  It finally struck me that the reason we see so many kids dressed inappropriately (for the weather) is because they’ve lost touch with the physical environment.  (And their parents have lost touch with the ability to govern their kid’s attire, something with which I’m not completely unfamiliar.)

Kids don’t spend much time free-styling in nature these days, so they don’t have that reflexive sense our generation developed for dressing properly for the weather.  They wear shorts and sandals well into the winter.  They never seem to don a proper coat in February.   All year long, they play too many video games and not enough outdoor, organic ones.  They don’t even have a sense of reality as they amble through parking lots; I can’t tell you how many ordinarily bright middle school students have walked right in front of my moving car at pickup time.  It’s like they’re in la-la land, but not like the la-la land we were in at that stage of our lives.  These kids don’t acknowledge their physical environment (or natural physical laws) because they don’t spend enough time there.

Another form of inappropriate attire we see today.

Another form of inappropriate attire we see today on some children.


Schtick It To Me Baby What Yiddish Vaudeville might have been called, if it had existed in the 1960s.

Yiddish Vaudeville 1


Serial Killers.  Twitter.  What do they have in common?  “SOS from the LOL Killer’s Next Victim” is a story idea I’ve developed, based on the premise that there is a serial killer out there who targets and captures his victims based on their social media presence.  The LOL Killer is a white male – a thirty-five year-old American misfit – who holds his victims captive for 24 hours before he offs them.  But during those last hours, he encourages them to broadcast their final thoughts via Twitter.  All tweets are subject to his review and revision, which often includes extra “LOLs” inserted into spots where they make eerily little – or just plain wrong – sense.  (Hence the nickname “LOL Killer”.  This was a bullet that Twitter knew it had dodged, big time.  When the Twitter execs realized this, one big, collective “PHEW” was mentally tweeted among them.)


There could also be this “side story”:  copy-cat twits start springing up –  folks pretending on Twitter that they’re the next victim of the LOL Killer.  Some of these Twitter accounts are thinly veiled fake versions of celebrities, making it fun to try to decipher who the faux profile is spoofing.  When two well-known female comics find out they’ve both been profiled in this way, one tweets the other:  “I thought that was supposed 2 b u! Guess they airbrushed off that Xtra 30 lbs. of baby fat? & that’s why I almost didn’t recognize u. LOL!”


Bacon Abandonment:  I can pinpoint the demise of this country.  It’s when Pork Belly Futures went away.  In case you don’t know, from Pork Belly Futures comes bacon.  How can a country go on when it knows the stuff from which sacred bacon is made is no longer part of our future?  And what caused Pork Belly Futures to go away (as they did on 7/18/11), anyway?  Well, I’ll tell you.  It was volatile hog prices.  (Also price risks on processed products held in inventory.  Don’t you remember anything about Pork Belly Futures?  Did you not see “Trading Places”?)

Trading places 1

I could make a joke here about all of us now forever being far more than six strips of bacon away from any Pork Belly Future.  But I won’t.  That would be cruel.  (To add insult to the injury of no more Pork Belly Futures…I just can’t do it.)

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