10. They should have limited memberships to Judaism where you get to leave right after the sermon and beat all the traffic.
9. Cartoon idea: Orthodox Jew standing at the end of a highway exit ramp, begging for change by holding a sign that says “WILL WORK on Shabbos”.
8. Unfamiliar Hebrew song during the service sounded like “Oy, it’s a Goy”. (Well, it is a reform temple. You never know who we might let in.)
7. There is an interval of time in your life when what your parents say makes sense. But not the part about you having to go to temple during High Holy days.
6. There is so much diversity among Jews, especially reform Jews. In our temple, I saw a guy who looked like a white Michael Steele, which is to say he looked just like Michael Steele.
5. The rabbi explained how, long ago, a bunch of his relatives beat up a teenager who’d bullied his great-grandmother by making her walk in the gutter. Whatever happened to “an eye for an eye, a walk in the gutter for a walk in the gutter”? If that bully were alive today, it would suffice to make him view back-to-back episodes of HBO’s “Girls” for three days in a row.
4. I’ve never had a problem fasting between meals.
3. Bummer that the Hebrew T-shirts on display in the gift shop lacked cleverly disguised English obscenities, like the ones in my temple when I was growing up.
2. I couldn’t tell if the cop directing traffic outside the temple was praying, jiving, or just had bad sciatica. I would prefer to keep wondering.
1. A guy on a Harley had his feet up so high in the stirrups of his hog that he looked like he was ready for a pap smear. (Just to be clear – I passed him on the road right after I left the temple. You have to admit, it’s an oddly impure thought.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ And now for something completely different ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Eleventh impure thought, that is.)
Imagine a Yiddish rock opera based on The Who’s “Tommy”.
It would be called “Tommy, Bubbeleh”.
When the protagonist is born they’d sing “It’s A Goy, Mrs. Walker”.