Warm Heart, Curdled Mind

Why don’t we ever hear constipated people ask

“Does this make my ass look fat?”

Porcelain can be very slimming.

Porcelain can be very slimming.

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There actually used to be gentle punk rockers.

 They were the ones with the tousled Mohawks.

He shunned the mosh pit.

He shunned the mosh pit.

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My friend dropped 35 pounds and 8 inches.  The 8 inches was her boyfriend, who left her after she lost the weight.  Turns out he was a chubby chaser.

Breaking up can be very hard to breathe under.

Breaking up can be very hard to breathe under.

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Layout 1I could have been a surgeon.

I’ve made pinch-pleated drapes by hand.

And someone’s life most certainly was depending on that.

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We all hate people who are complete assholes…..but what about the part-time assholes?

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I found myself staring at a rusty back-hoe sitting in front of a McMansion in my town, and I thought, “I shouldn’t feel so bad about taking two weeks to put away the laundry.”

Someday there will be an app for that.

Is there an app for that?

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I don’t see many starving artists around these days.  Mostly they just seem to be dieting.

Self-portrait of the artist previously known as starving.

Self-portrait of the artist previously known as starving.

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Bilingual idiots are stupid in two languages.

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A person could have un-diagnosed Tourette Syndrome if the only manifestation was yelling, “People!” at uncannily appropriate times.  The disorder could go undetected for a lifetime, especially among a rambunctious crowd of friends.  Think about this the next time you hear someone yell, “People!“.

He's good people.

What’s that?!  Up yours!  People!

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