I try to imagine the private goings-on of famous, powerful people.
- Bill Gates has a custom laptop with an ivory keyboard. (It’s a Mac Pro.)
- Chris Christie complains to his wife: “People ask ‘what exit?’ I need three.”
- Barbara Walters makes duck-faces in the mirror while saying “Ba ba ba ba Wa wa wa wa”. Then, “I thoa wish I had had another child.” (Hey Baba Wawa, the unborn children of the world thank you very much.)
- Ann Coulter sleeps with a teddy bear.
- Donald Trump picks his nose and has it framed. Or set in a ring with channeled diamonds, for his wife, Melanomia.
- Whitney Cummings counts leis to fall asleep. If still awake, she counts blowjobs, a much larger number for her.
- Sarah Palin scissors with Ann Coulter. Then shoots her teddy bear.