Fecal And Other Positions

Ever hear someone fart with a flourish?  They think they’re being fancy, but they actually just shat themselves.

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The most disturbing thing about those Howard Stern pay-per-view cable specials from the early 90’s is that they’re no longer disturbing.

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How are we ever going to know when James Carville is dead?

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Show me a rabbi with attractive congregants hanging on him all the time, and I’ll show you a hot mensch.

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Enquiring minds did not need to know “Lisa Marie Presley’s deadly postnasal drip exacerbates lifelong sinus condition”.

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The difference between your 20’s and your 50’s:  In your 20’s, when you find the guts to go into a porn shop on Seventh Avenue, and you see a reversible dildo, you say, “OH MY GOD!”  In your 50’s, you ask the cab driver to pull over for a minute, you walk in the store and say, “Oh, geez.  I’ve gotta catch a train.”

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When I’m having a humiliating day, I think of that poor woman who came home from work not realizing there was a surprise party for her waiting in her apartment.  She came in, put peanut butter on her crotch, and called the dog.  The most surprised one of all was the dog, who wasn’t expecting a peanut butter and tuna sandwich. Two great tastes that taste great together….to a dog.

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Some municipalities are building wi-fi instructure by laying fiber in existing sewer systems.  Isn’t that a bit redundant?

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I was in a diner with my young but worldly friend.  Observing the table across the way, he said, “Look at those people.  Don’t they look so married?  They’re hardly talking to each other, and they don’t look happy.”  I looked over, and said, “They are talking, a little bit. Plus, their daughter is sitting right there, so you should stop saying ‘cunty’ so much.”

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“I just saw Buddy Hackett in my closet!

My name is John Boehner.

Some people wonder how I’m so tan.  It’s not the booths – it’s the bourbon.”

"Ha ha, what a tan clown."

“Ha ha, what a tan clown.”

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I’m waiting for the Play Dough Movie to come out instead, because ladies prefer soft porn. #Legos2hard

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It’s funny how some people with no balls try to buy a dick instead.  #gunOwners

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And finally, is it “anuses” or “ani”?  I really wish someone would just settle that argument once and for all.

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