Raw & Twisted Honesty Is The Finest Kind

“You could have just thought that and not said it, and sounded a lot less like a dick.” – Something I’ve wanted to say many times, but have kept to myself.
Seth Rogen’s brain’s in a state of arrears, due to too much early and consistent weed consumption. I can safely state this because I have a degree in accounting.
Day-drinking hours are 8–5, BTW.
Sign outside a monkey’s amusement park: “Catch the Excrement!”
I’ve never used the word “yikes” in my life. I thought that was only used by cartoon characters.
The military news always begins, “I don’t know, but I’ve been told”.
Blanket statements smother.
Kinda funny during games when high school lacrosse coaches keep shrieking in blood-curdling, aneurysm-inducing tones, “Settle!”
Hilarious “Car Talk” on NPR: “Can you use a turkey baster to change break fluid? Yes, but wait until after Thanksgiving.”
I have spent many hours trying to appear to be normal.

The truth about baby carrots? They are actually whittled-down Oompa-Loompa peni.


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