Raw & Twisted Honesty Is The Finest Kind

“You could have just thought that and not said it, and sounded a lot less like a dick.” – Something I’ve wanted to say many times, but have kept to myself.
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Seth Rogen’s brain’s in a state of arrears, due to too much early and consistent weed consumption. I can safely state this because I have a degree in accounting.
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Day-drinking hours are 8–5, BTW.
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Sign outside a monkey’s amusement park: “Catch the Excrement!”
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I’ve never used the word “yikes” in my life. I thought that was only used by cartoon characters.
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The military news always begins, “I don’t know, but I’ve been told”.
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Blanket statements smother.
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Kinda funny during games when high school lacrosse coaches keep shrieking in blood-curdling, aneurysm-inducing tones, “Settle!”
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Hilarious “Car Talk” on NPR: “Can you use a turkey baster to change break fluid? Yes, but wait until after Thanksgiving.”
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I have spent many hours trying to appear to be normal.

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The truth about baby carrots? They are actually whittled-down Oompa-Loompa peni.

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