iBlurbed & other taboo tattoos

Love is never having to tell that special someone to stop fucking around.

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When it comes to addiction, four hits is the new three.

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I keep hearing folks on TV say “look at the metrics” and “look at the optics” and oh, would they just go fuck themselves.

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There definitely is something to “Hillary fatigue”.  I can see it all over Hillary Clinton’s face.

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God in private:  “I hate sharks.  I think they’re ugly.  I’ll keep them around because they’re an important part of the ecosystem, and also ‘Shark Week’ makes so many people happy.  How can I rain on that parade?”

Poor ugly sharks can't [sniff] the rain

Poor ugly sharks can’t [sniff] feel the rain

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Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain fiddling with his testicles.  #wizardofballs

Who knew it was a great place to jack off?

Who knew it was a great place to jack off?

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In college, I made fun of my friend’s shirt because it had a small stain on the chest.  I called her “uni-nipple” and she hated it. (Eventually I just called her “uni”.)  I recently put on a shirt with a similar stain, went for a bike ride, then found a tick on my chest.  Karma!

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F.U., BP.

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Before you know it, the Koch brothers will be selling dope.

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The phrase “maybe, maybe not” is not terribly positive, on balance.

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Something is very wrong when Google Maps tells you “turn left on Jones Hollow Road” and your immediate thought is “fuck you”.

Sometimes the Google bitch is on the rag.

Glad Google Bitch can’t read my mind

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I want to get a hunchbacked female dog and name her Quasimodette.  No bitch jokes, I promise.

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My goal in writing is to keep people on the edge of their seats and occasionally piss them.

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Someone should tell pregnant pro-life women that fornicating is technically (for them) group sex.  With a minor.

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I always feel better after going to the doctor, because she forces me to breathe deeply.

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A sucker used to be born every minute.  Now we’re down to about 40 seconds.

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It’s fun to be the standout these days with my lack of tattoos.

If I get one, I'm going elaborate

If I get one, I’m going elaborate

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