Living Libretto

If ignorance is bliss, I’m going to have to un-learn a few things to be happy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My son saw me do a quick prayer and visualization in the car after a stressful driving incident.  He helpfully offered, “I just farted into your white light.”

I said, “The white light is immune to your farts.  Otherwise we’d have died long ago.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Shut up and comb your breasts”: what a cranky mother might say to her transgender son.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I’m glad I’m a writer, because writers get things done!  And now I must finish painting the bathroom.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What is your emotional age if you find it funny when someone butt-dials you for “Face Time”?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Instead of pictures of my new tattoo, each week I will showcase a different varicose vein.  (I also currently have a black and blue mark that looks like Jesus.)

bruise of jesus

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Me, yelling at the neighbor’s dog:  “Would you shut the fuck up!  I’m going to sell you to a Chinese restaurant for next to nothing.  You’ll make a nice Poopoo platter.  I can see you’ve already been making those in your back yard.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A guy with two bars walks into a gas station.

gas gauge

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Famous narrator at home, observing wife in bathroom:  “She chooses the green plastic disposable shavers.  She opens the bag, she removes the topmost shaver.  She shaves every other week, but really should do it a little more frequently.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Don’t put off today what you need to do today because the coupon expires.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Good looks are all about genetics and access to fresh fruit.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ann Coulter muppet meme

This entry was posted in Funny Irreverent Stuff and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s