This, But That

When I’m severely anxiety-ridden, I remind myself of the two most important things a human being needs to hear:  I am safe, and I am cute.

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I’d rather have a bottlenose dolphin in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.

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Never trust a terrorist with his bombs strapped on diagonally.  Something off about that.

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Am I a Cyber Lounge Lizard?  No, but I’m kind of a digital Komodo Dragon.

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Arab children’s book:  “Are You My Schwarma?”

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So it’s illegal to text while driving, but how about writing with pencil and paper?

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I would rather find ear buds than acquire an ear worm.

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Instead of pepper spray, how about cinnamon?  It would freshen up the attack site.

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I’m a Jewish Buddhist.  I deny myself, except around chopped liver.

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I have a friend who’s rough around the edges but hey, we can’t all be so fucking refined.

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If you give someone a hand job at jazz camp, do you get jazz hands?

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I want to write a book titled “How to Raise a Child With a High”.  That’s it, that is all.

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I told my son I’d listen to rap with him if he’d discuss the issues with me afterwards.

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I wish I were a water cooler, because it’s nice when people gather around me.  Also, I like to stay hydrated.

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Some old rock bands are not only washed up, they’re now clean.

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I got burned, but then I opened the floodgates.

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Mintiness is next to cleanliness.

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Dub step sounds like someone gave a rock and roll machine to toddlers.

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Virginia may be for lovers, but Ohio is apparently for weirdos.

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You’ve heard of the Madonna/Whore syndrome.  Now we have Dufus/Warriors!  Men who are nerds in the office, but in the bedroom, they whip out their Samurai swords.

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When Quasimodo wasn’t quite feeling himself, was he quasi-Quasimodo?

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If you’re going to be someone’s doormat, at least get laid properly.

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There are many people in THIS country who’d like an iron dome.  Over their litter box.

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Un Poquito Toco: nice name for a small hash store

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I eat like a Frenchwoman but I swear like a truck driver.

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I gave up being a perfectionist because I’m happy with the way I are.

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