Why my early arguments didn’t work well: “She may have a bigger boob size, but I have a larger IQ.”
“You can’t motorboat an IQ.”
Roughly 50% of the people who sit for the PSATs don’t actually sit when they pee.
I wonder if Jack Benny’s arm-crossing shtick began with him feeling chilly on the set.
I’ll never forget Bill Maher once saying on Real Time, when one of his famous guests complained it was cold, “Could someone please get Larry King a shawl?”
My friend realized she was hanging with a rough crowd when a man asked her, “Do you come here often?” And then grabbed her crotch.
If men gave more thought to science than they do to sports, we’d have cured some big diseases by now. Still would probably have all of the Viagra commercials, though.
Mary Matalin has a surgically implanted poker face.
A woman died because her airbag exploded in her Honda Accord. (And that’s why I drive a Civic.) Folks with the defective airbag are instructed to get to their dealerships right away, but they’re having trouble finding someone to drive them. Humidity is supposed to be a big factor in triggering the explosions, so people not only have to deal with bad hair days, there’s also shrapnel.
I break for Zach Galifianakis look-alikes.