Mother Said There’d Be Mucous (& Other Revelations)

As a bikini model, I’d have to moonlight, because I could not be seen like that during the day.

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I have been reflecting on that Happy Dance Bill Cosby was always doing in the 80’s.  It’s downright creepy.

Cosby-making-a-funny-face

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A guy who saw me perform comedy in a bar told me he liked my non sequiturs.  I said, “Thanks, sometimes I put tassels on them.”

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All those fallen leaves around the base of my house serve as a form of insulation.

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Ever see a toddler get lost in their own house?  Then, watch them in Toys-R-Us?  They know exactly where they need to go for everything.

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People.  Why must they put ballerina skirts on their hedgehogs?

Hegehog ballerina

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Overweight polygamists have even Bigger Love.

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Bullshit detector constantly going off….surrounded by dairy farms….

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I wonder if geeks in the fifties felt secretly cool with their hipster glasses.

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What’s scarier than becoming your mother?  Becoming your mother-in-law.

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Mike Huckabee knows how to cook squirrel in a popcorn maker.  In related news, I once puked in a popcorn maker.

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I always wonder how those old ladies in the TV commercials know so much about each other’s insurance situations.  Usually that generation is pretty tight-lipped about finances.

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Me to young stupid whippersnappers:  “You’re half my age and one quarter my IQ.  Sorry if you can’t keep up with the math.”

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When they say, “You’re born alone, and you die alone,” I’m not so sure.  When you’re born, you’re being violently pushed out of someone’s vagina.  That doesn’t sound too lonely, for anyone involved.

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That old guy with a turn signal lodged in his arm for 50 years had to have it removed.  I’ve heard of an uncomfortable hunk of metal up your ass for two years, but that was ridiculous.  (I hope he makes it into a keychain.)

Actually this guy might've lliked the turn signal better.

Actually this guy might’ve lliked the turn signal better.

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