I’m surprised Lady Gaga hasn’t done a remake of Helen Reddy’s hit and called it, “I Am Woman, Hear Me Burp.”
I read a new analysis about addiction that concluded it’s only when rats are kept in isolation, as they were in early studies, that they get hooked on heroin water. When rats are re-introduced to the big, happy maze, with all their friends and distractions…supposedly, no addiction. But I say bullshit. (Or perhaps ratshit.) I believe there was a group of rats who figured out how to do it in moderation. Every Friday, or maybe Thursday, if they were having a bad week, these rowdy rodents would meet at the heroin water cooler, and party hearty. (“Toga, toga!”) Then they’d go next door to the gerbil sorority, find themselves involved with shavings, sample the sex cage disguised as a wheel, and get back to the maze by dawn before the weekend scientists showed up for work.
Did you know sulfur is actually a metal? And here I thought it was a fart. Or gas. I mean, a gas. Do me a solid and forget I ever brought it up.
If you knit a bunch of large sacks to hold marijuana, did you just make pot holders?
Gentlemen! If you have a daily prescription for Cialis, you better make sure your wife or girlfriend has a daily prescription for tranquilizers. Because we thought we were already done with all that bullshit! Meanwhile, a female Viagra is currently in development, and supposedly will be on the market in about three years. Because the pharmaceutical companies know how we ladies like to let the tension build.
I would like to go on a date with Bill Cosby. Now hear me out. I’d pretend to sip my drink. I’d pretend to pass out. I’d pretend to wake up just as Bill was pulling down his pants. I’d really cut off his testicles. I’d really have a mold made from them. I’d really send a pair of bookends to each of the women that he allegedly raped. They might not appreciate it, but I’d be doing it for them.