Yays and Neighs and Mayonnaise

To the public figures who constantly self-brand by referring to themselves in the third person with a hashtag and/or to those who feel they can only express themselves with a series of hashtagged phrases: #waytobecool #butyourselfesteemisquestionable #yourmomdidacrapjob #PeopleLoveJoanna #Icandoittoo #Momsaidicould #I’mnotlisteningtoyounanananananananana #nana

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In an attempt to get a more diverse customer base, a successful restaurant chain is changing its name to Olive Skin Garden.

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People are getting “semi-colon” tattoos to signify they tried to commit suicide. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I’d think that if you’re going to pick a punctuation mark for that type of thing, wouldn’t it be more appropriate to get a slash mark? :-\ (Forward slash mark if you’re straight, and backwards if you’re gay)

semicolon-2-1000x530

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In Bridgeport, they opened two police substations within 300 feet of one another, like competing donut shops. That’s a neighborhood with both a high crime rate and glycemic index! It made me think, they should open police substations in all Dunkin’ Donuts. Think of the trips it would save. And those would be the safest coffee shops ever, because criminals would drive right by and say, “We run from Dunkin’!” What I’m really saying is, I want some fucking donuts.

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Some women complain about having to shave, ranting that they will spend  (on average) $10,000 and the equivalent of four months. shaving, over a lifetime. I want to ask, “Exactly how hairy are you?” Let’s not forget that most men shave every single day. From what I hear, it’s expensive and kind of a pain in the face. Frankly, I’m glad they do it because, no offense, I wouldn’t want to look around to see every man having a beard. It would seem kind of biblical. Like the end was coming soon. No, it’s the least I can do, every once in awhile, to shave my pits, and my kneecaps. I’m not that hairy, so my total lifetime investment shaving will be about two weeks and forty-seven dollars.

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In my next lifetime, I’m coming back as a scantily-clad woman who complains about privacy issues.

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If I had a better memory, I suspect I’d be a lot less forgiving. #forget&forgive

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The world may be going to hell in a hand basket, but at least it’s a designer hand-basket.

designer handbasket

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