Thank You For Not Deleting This

Whenever I see someone overcompensating, I want to smash every single window in their house.

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If I had a better memory, I suspect I’d be a lot less forgiving. #forget&forgive

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New York is supposedly the city that never sleeps, but I do think some sections are in a medically-induced coma.

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I wonder if retired prostitutes have residual pain from phantom penises.

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A friend said he “got a cat, or as they call it in China, ‘livestock’.” So I asked him if it was free-range.

Mia mad

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It would be fun to get a dog and name it “Zombeh”. People would constantly ask, “Oh, do you mean Zombie?” And you’d always just say, “No, it’s Zombeh.”

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Subway should’ve told Jared he could look at the kids’ menu, but no ordering. It makes so much more sense now when you think of how he kept saying, “What’s not to love about smaller portions?”

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I’m very excited that I lived to see the first black president, and now, maybe, I’ll see the first Jewish president. What’s next, black and Jewish? #LennyKravitz4prez #GoHisWay

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I found a sesame seed on my clavicle. That’s what I get for eating crackers in bed.

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Some people deserve to be hosed down with kindness.

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I notice I’m a little funnier when I’m slightly drunk. Then again, I’m slightly drunk, so what do I know?

IMG_3092

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Physicists know better than anyone that the secret to a long marriage is the power of inertia.

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I have a bullshit-detector in my back. If something’s going wrong, or if I feel I’m getting pushed into a situation I don’t like, my sciatica acts up. It’s as if my unconscious mind is trying to say something to my conscious mind, because my conscious mind is asleep at the wheel. (My sciatica is also aggravated by Andy Griffith reruns.)

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My son went to Rocky Neck with a female friend, and I was going to ask if he had sex on the beach, but I’d rather not know if they’d been drinking.

Sex-on-the-beach

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