Winking, Blinking And Nodding Off

It’s a new world. As long as pot smokers are discreet, no one will notice or have a problem with them doing it in public. Kind of like breastfeeding.

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Forget about grassroots organizers….we need a little grass top power.

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Steve Harvey obviously screwed up reading the winner’s name of the Miss Universe pageant. But in his defense, he’s more of a numbers guy.

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Periods come at the end of a sentence. Menopause is the ultimate period.

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There are karma chameleons, and then there are pharma snakes. #skreli

shkreli chess

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I read that a man died “trying to blow up a condom machine.” It’s not often you see the words “blow” and “condom” in the same sentence. He actually died of a head injury. He should have listened to his mother, stayed home and jerked off.

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Dancers are amazing people. They’re so serious about their craft; they take good care of themselves. They have regular sleeping habits, drink little to no alcohol, and that’s why I hang around comedians.

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After all these years, Kenny Rogers still doesn’t know when to “fold”. Nor does his face, which is filled with Botox.

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I once came to a spork in the road. And I took it, because I didn’t have a spoon or fork.

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Those who think they walk on water often end up skating on thin ice.

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I suspect but haven’t confirmed I’m gluten-intolerant. Though I love Caesar’s Salad, I’ve always been anti-crouton. I wouldn’t eat them because I was afraid of the weight gain. Turns out I was afraid of the wheat grain.

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I was shocked (and amused) to discover many respectable-looking ladies’ clothing mail- order catalogs have a couple of hidden pages with female sex toys tucked in them. Whenever a catalog comes in the mail now, I play a game with my family, searching for those pages, and we call it “Where’s Dildo?”

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The key to life is learning to keep your supply in demand.

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Barry Manilow waited forty years before coming out and marrying his partner. It used to be something you were ashamed of, and in the blink of an eye, Manilow said, “No one cares!” In related news, the last known living Barry Manilow fan passed away last week.

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As of late, I’ve decided my spirit animal is Zach Galifianakis.

Zach Galifianakis spirit animal

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No boundary is sacred anymore. They just came out with the sequel “Honey, I Got The Kids High”.

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Gray matter is helped by hearing Mozart. Green matter enables us to enjoy Bob Marley.

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Good thing the entire country is not drinking lead water, otherwise our next prez would for sure be Trump. When asked to comment on the Flint situation, he said he takes his martinis dirty, so what’s the problem?

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They say those who can’t teach, do. Well my mother could “do” and she was also an excellent teacher, a huge skill in and of itself. So to those who only “do”, and criticize teachers, I say, I bet you can’t teach what you do, so…f@ck you!

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Governor Chris Christie is a very canny politician. That being said, he also accepts both canned and perishable goods.

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“That barely makes it up over the verbal Jersey barrier, baby” – cool thing someone will say for real, some day.

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I tweeted the Farrelly Brothers (but no response, yet) my movie idea about Ted Williams’ head coming back to life, but wanting a woman’s body after he hears about Caitlyn Jenner. Working title: “The Fabulous Splinter.”

Ted Williams

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