Seminal Sunday Stream

If the majority of history’s greatest writers had been potheads instead of drunks, we’d have far fewer books.

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If Ogden Nash were alive, he’d write: “Trump has won / Clinton didn’t get it done / I will not bicker / Now get me some liquor.”

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Have you noticed whenever someone says, “It’s all love,” there’s usually just been a lot of hate flying around?

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Is it considered hate speech if you only do it behind someone’s back?

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People have a hard time understanding how Donald Trump can continuously make references to how attractive he finds his daughter Ivanka. It’s simple. He’s never seen her without makeup or a blow-out. #ooooh  #meow  #meant2beFunnyNotPolitical

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Regarding Trump…my Cuban friend said, “Hey, at least he won’t be in for life.”

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I almost wrote my husband in as a presidential candidate. He’d do a great job and has a clean record, except for me.

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Aging Process Update: currently researching prices on bedside commodes.

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It’s sad when you hear about washed-up rock stars dying of overdoses, especially when the drug involved is a statin.

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I wonder if dogs ever ask each other, “Does this make my ass smell fat?”

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“Romeostasis”: finding your emotional water level with or without a romantic partner.

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In dating, there’s no gray area. He’s either the man of your dreams, or he puts you to sleep.

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The new employee at the coffee shop attempted to make a heart shape in the foam of my latte, but it came out looking like a very small penis. So she called it an Irish Coffee.


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Saw a picture of the guy who’s gonna be roasted at a comedy show. Already looked baked.

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My thoughts directed at militant cancer survivors who constantly lecture others about unhealthy habits: “So, what was your lifestyle before you got sick? Did you eat poorly? Smoke? Suck a lot of cock? That last one doesn’t matter; I’m just curious.”

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I don’t remember seeing so many moobs (man-boobs) around when I was a child. Then again, my eyes were only at crotch-level.

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This guy said he was great in bed, but I didn’t believe him because he was pretty lousy on his couch.

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I gave a homeless man five bucks, then made him listen to me sing.

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Screw singing, I just found out I’m a phenomenal lip-syncher.

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Bank Trustworthiness Update: I’ve never seen a clock outside a bank that was even remotely accurate.

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Have you ever noticed how people who vehemently defend other people’s right to speak freely….never shut the hell up? #vociferous

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Fun Day At The Orifice: just remember, when the proctologist says, “Hey, asshole!”, don’t take it personally. He’s not talking to you.

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I plan to write to Dos Equis and tell them I have “the most interesting colon in the world.”

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The more I hang around comedians, the more normal musicians seem to me.

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I have a terrible habit of listening to a song I like over and over, resulting in a fierce ear worm. And tit’s not ok, you can’t finger that shit out later.

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Everyone’s getting into personal branding, including the homeless. Guy on the highway off-ramp had a sign that read “Make me your cabana boy TODAY.”

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