Power to the Piehole

I’d rather be a ponderer than a panderer.

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If I ever got divorced and started dating again I’d do things with men I never did with my husband. I would definitely try to talk less while watching movies.

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Stilladicktomy: the procedure you periodically have done to maintain long-term matrimony. #MarriageFatigue

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It’s interesting that the only one of Trump’s cabinet nominees that’s probably going down will be a woman. #DeVosSucks

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Just because I don’t cut and paste your Facebook status as you have requested does not mean I don’t care about you or your status. It means I had my fill of cutting and pasting by the end of third grade. And I never ate paste, ever. But I did hang with glue sniffers.

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Melania! Blink twice if Donald made you pee on him on the first date.

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When people ask me, “How can Kellyanne Conway sleep at night?”, I say, “It doesn’t look like she does.” #IDon’tSleepEither&ILookBetterThanSheDoesAndTellFarFewerAlternativeFacts

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Him: I want to stop arguing.

Her: [flashes boobs]

Him: Is that all you have to say?

Her: It’s what you mostly listen to.

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One of the daughters on TLC’s “Sister Wives” announced she’s gay. The show’s producers are angry because she promised she’d practice polygamy when she married. She just didn’t mention that it would be with other women.  #WivesJustWantToHaveFun

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It’s interesting when a bartender expresses concern for your ability to handle each successive drink, yet keeps making them stronger. #MixedSignals

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Just putting lettuce on someone’s sandwich can make their day, and it literally involves no sweat off my ass.

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I now have this urge to tell young people, whenever Lou Reed’s “Take A Walk On The Wild Side” is playing somewhere in the background, “Hey! This song is about giving head. Listen to the words.”

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I graduated one semester early from college because I couldn’t wait to get out of there, find a job and start contributing to sobriety.

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Sometimes I whisper to Wi-Fi what boys have long said to girls: “Please let me connect. I won’t stay in long.”

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Sniffing the contents of a package labeled “Unscented” has got to be controlled by the same part of the brain that makes you touch a hot plate after the waiter tells you not to.

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Sometimes you have a weird experience that seems like a surreal movie, but upon later reflection, it’s more like a shitty TV pilot that never got picked up.

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By the time I’m a grandmother, I hope to get a handle on this parenting thing.

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3 Responses to Power to the Piehole

  1. John Dumez says:

    Haha, you are so funny! You just made my day better!!

    Sent from my iPhone

    >

  2. doolinpup@aol.com says:

    Thanks for the much-needed chuckles today!

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