Don’t hate me because I’m lovable

Why has no one yet opened a chain of comedy club/restaurants with Hooters-style waitresses and called it “Titters”?

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Emotions are like breasts. They’re meant to be felt. Also if you try hard, you can lick an emotion.

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My mother-in-law was a secretary; totally old school, took shorthand, even spoke shorthand. She’d say, “You’re a dick.”

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When geese mass rape it’s called a gaggle bang.

geese gaggle

 

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I’m really just trying to keep Hope alive. Hope is this bitch who lives in my basement.

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Sometimes I need to take a pill because my husband is such a pill.

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Women who are able to temporarily transfer their brains into their vaginas during intercourse are better able to fully enjoy a meeting of the minds.

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Infants that don’t get ta-ta’s get ba-ba’s. What a dif a consonant makes.

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A new executive order is expected to set protocol during the playing of the national anthem:  putting the hand over the heart will be replaced with grabbing a stranger’s gonads. You can leave your hat on.

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Life is like a seminar. There are long boring stretches, sometimes you have to use the bathroom, but overall it’s good to be there.

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The Germans have come out with a new word to describe our current administration: “Schlockstaphff.”  #Schlock  #Staff  #ShittyWorkers

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Dude once sang an aria to me in bed and I thought he was The One. Turns out he was just a show off.

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If you are too shy to try to be outright sexy, do a parody of yourself being sexy and it probably comes off as sexy. #trustMe

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Aside from the crushing and constant existential dread, I had a happy childhood.

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Who the hell says “nowadays” nowadays?

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It’s hard to be serially monogamous if you can’t find anyone suitable to date. Margaret Mead was lucky to have had options. I’m sure she went to her prom.

margaret mead

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Nowadays, you are given an antibiotic before some dental procedures, but I think it’s a good idea to take Motrin before sex.

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Anxiety status: currently considering asking for nitrous oxide at dentist’s office ($85 a dose)

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I never noticed before how much taller Tom Brady is than Bill Belichick. But as they say, everyone is the same height in bed. #Kidding  #NewEnglandBromance

brady belichick

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They say vagina is the giver of life. But if poo did not come out a woman’s butt, she would die in about two weeks from toxicity levels.  #JestSaying  #LifeFromUranus

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As the old poet once said, it’s better to have loved and lost than never to have gotten laid at all.

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