Bellicosity and the Beast

A beauty pageant contestant had a seizure while performing, got up and finished. She wasn’t crowned, but she did get “Most Clutch.”

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I’d rather have resting bitch face than slack-jawed dumbass face.

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Question for quantum physics hobbyists: if you take a shit in this universe, does that mean in an alternate universe, you give a shit?

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It’s not helpful to tell a friend who’s struggling with diet to “keep your chins up.”

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If you see your proctologist and he says “Hey asshole,” just remember he’s not talking to you.

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At an annual mammogram, the technician in training said, “I’m actually more familiar with dick pics.”

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Nothing bespeaks desolation quite as much as an El Camino parked next to a liquor store next to a trailer park.

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Since corporations are now considered people, I’m waiting for the first one to go into psychotherapy. Some of them seem pretty dysfunctional.

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A Scottish man died from a rare bacteria that was living in his bagpipes. This has just ratcheted up Celtic festivals to a new level of excitement.

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Saw two flies on the wall. Watched them have sex. Is this a beastiality joke? Or a “fly on the wall” joke?

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Britain had Brexit. Texas may Texit. But New Jersey has always had Whatexit.

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My spirit animal is in hibernation.

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Can we please confine our detailed sordid discussions of celebrity sex lives only to the good-looking ones?

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I know a guy who helps women find their lost dogs so he can get pussy.

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I don’t mind being seated in a restaurant near couples on a first date because the guys smell super clean.

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Someone told me they liked the cut of my jib. I said stop staring at my jibs.

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A cell phone is like a corded phone except the cord is not attached to the wall; it’s wrapped around your neck.

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Lots of guys shave their entire head if they’re going bald, but then we can see all the lumps and bumps and frankly it’s just as horrifying as a speedo.

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