What’s not to lurk?

I constantly try to picture people having conversations that mirror their social media trash talk and trolling. It’s hard to imagine, because in real life, most of those people wouldn’t have the balls to say negative stuff to someone’s face.

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An uptight herbalist said to me, “marijuana is not a perfect drug.“ And I replied, “No, but it’s still pretty good!“

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I would find politics so much more interesting if the Russians would just tell us what they got on everybody. I want to see the LGPT (Lindsey Graham Pee Tape).

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Ironic that as you get older you insult more people but your own skin gets thinner.

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Last year, two other inmates were also beaten to death in the state penitentiary where Whitey Bulger was killed, and I have to assume that they, too, were assholes.

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We are now well into that time of the year when everything indoors smells like somebody’s unaired-out buttcrack.

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I am so angry that my menopause is going on for so long. These hot flashes have been happening for over six years. It’s not right to make someone so old want to wear a bikini in public. And it was really tough when my kid was going through puberty. The pharmaceutical companies should really think about family hormone plans.

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Why do most of the drink recipes for people who hate the taste of alcohol contain multiple types of booze? #LongIslandIcedTea

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Someone told me that boob sweat smelled like cheese but I would not know because I was not breast-fed and my nose can’t reach mine.

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Lesson in life: they can give you an applicator, but it’s always better with a plain old finger.

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I’ve been doing stand up for almost 8 years, but it seems longer.

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Comedy is such a wonderful craft that you and your fellow artisans can work five years on five minutes of jokes and lose the prize of best set at an open mic to a newbie who’s getting divorced that offered to suck off the whole bar.

#meritocracy

(PS..I’m not bitter. I did not have to swallow a bucket of nastiness that night.)

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I could start my own comedy club and believe if I build it, they will come. Or maybe it will just be some guy out behind the club coming in the bushes, but still, I need to try.

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Saw a piece in Apple Business Insider warning against eating boogers. It’s sad that they felt the need to write such an article. What’s next? “Keep your fingers out of your ass and don’t mistake your dingleberries for truffles”?

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Every brewery boasts they have the best craft beers in the area. They can’t all be telling the truth. Likewise, the phrase “award winning wings” is repeated so often everywhere that historians one day will probably think it’s some kind of greeting.

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A man will look back on most days and think he was productive, even if he spent half the time scratching his balls. A woman will look upon her day and often feel she should have gotten more done, wishing she could delude herself into thinking she’s as productive as a guy with itchy balls.

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I’m crossing riding a horse off my bucket list and adding riding an elephant. Also I will need a bigger bucket.

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