I never meta feeling I didn’t like

One of the habits of people with concealed depression is sharing articles on social media which list the habits of people with concealed depression.

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The cannabis plants I’m growing right now look a lot like me: kind of weathered, but eventually good to roll.

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I tried to get a job by boasting I was a good painter, but what I was really saying was that I look cute in overalls. You can flash a lot of side boob in those things.

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Looking at my friend’s backside at the beach, I observed, “This is just like when I was born and the doctor said, ‘What a perfect ass!'”

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I’m going to make repurposed waist trainers out of old coozis, to get six-pack abs.

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I like saying “ruh-roh,” because I find that it consistently diffuses the tension in all emergency situations.

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Two bears walked into a bar.

I’m serious; we really have a bear problem in this town.

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I appreciate websites that don’t require me to push an extra button for the “@” when entering my email address.

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I sat on a penny in the heat and humidity and it remained affixed to the bottom of my left butt cheek. I’m glad nobody decided to stick their two cents in.

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I admire the keen observational skills of birdwatchers. I don’t know anything about birds, so I project my own feelings onto them: “That one isn’t paid enough attention by its mate. Also, it feels bloated.“

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I was at a show where one comic was so bad, the lady in front of me started giving her boyfriend a handjob. This one’s not a joke. I just wanted to let you know what my life was like.

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Most Americans will never know the horror of having to flee their country, but many of us have barely escaped the terrifying aromas of a recently abused bathroom. #shitholes

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I drove to the “black“ end of Hartford to do an open mic because I don’t see color, but then a red squirrel ran in front of my car and I hit a fire hydrant.

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Confucius says “How is Donald Trump like a fancy vacuum cleaner in a room filled with cow manure? He both sucks and blows, and is full of shit. Also, we Chinese think he looks like a giant eggroll.”

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Everyone’s dream is to work hard enough to one day be able to relax and have enough money, or achieve “Resting Rich Phase.”

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I want to attend a seminar on intermittent fasting, but am afraid there won’t be any good snacks.

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One of the things I value most is my sanity. Without it, I wouldn’t be able to enjoy my crazy side.

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Most women’s boobs are just like fraternal twins. Definitely part of a set, but not identical.

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My friend went on Plenty of Fish and got crabs.

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No one ever asked mayo if it wanted to be held. #mayotoo

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A great way to keep your eyeball muscles toned is to just keep looking around at everything in disgust.

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If you get a seven year itch after four years, then you had a pre-existing rash.

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When someone insults me, I tell them I hope they’re living under a bridge in 10 years, which is especially harsh, considering our crumbling infrastructure.

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Frankly I lost my joy for stand-up comedy a while ago but I plow on; it’s just something you know you have to do, like flossing.

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