In need of a good Egopuncturist

They say heavy people can be remarkably skilled dancers, and I know it’s true because I saw a big lady popping and locking while making a panini.

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“All good things must come to an end” is one of those foreboding sayings that actually instills hope in gay men.

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My friend gave me a stress ball that’s too hard for me to squeeze, and that’s stressing me out.

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You know the day is off to a good start when you find yourself putting an empty shampoo bottle right into the trash.

shampoo graveyard

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I’m tired of “caffeine people” expecting me to move fast in the morning. They have their cup of coffee, and I have my bowl of weed.

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Old timey porn star Xaviera Hollander once said, “I regret that I have but one hoo-ha to give for my country.” Right after that, she discovered butt sex.

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Willie Nelson is coming out with a song dedicated to his favorite porn stars, titled “You’re Always On My Laptop.”

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“Whoa! What are the specifications on that thing? I only have so much lube.” – how STEM women flatter their men.

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I saw an elderly woman working on a needlepoint and realized those were the memes of her generation. It said, “Suck a Bag of Dicks.”

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Turns out dementia can be a side effect of medications. This might be what your parents meant when they told you to stay off drugs.

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My Poland Springs 24-pack exploded all over the grocery store floor when I switched checkout lanes. I overheard a woman say my water had broke. Best laugh all week.

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Transvaginal ultrasounds are scary because they come at you with this giant wand and don’t even offer you a choice of white or black.

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As a comedian, I feel that every day, it’s required for me to read, write, and frankly, do some arithmetic. Because math is funny! The other day I was talking to a guy about quadratic equations, and he had a huge booger hanging from his left nostril.

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Have you heard of the new false eyelash mites? They wear fur coats and drive Rolls Royces and that’s why your eyelids feel so heavy.

IMG_3732

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“He came. He saw. He commented.” – Julius Caesar on Facebook

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A friend has been having a problem with recurring diarrhea, and her doctor told her it’s all in her head. I suggested she see someone besides a neurologist.

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Suzanne Somers claims that by combining certain foods in her diet, she has not passed gas in 6 years, and now we know what’s been holding up her eyelids.

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A headline proclaimed “Man murders Grindr date, chops up and eats testicles.” There’s definitely an easier way to do keto.

keto testicles

 

 

 

About Joanna Rapoza

I've gone to (100's of) pieces here in my blogs. Read, enjoy, laugh, cure insomnia; it's your choice.
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