Prepareth a Diaper For Mine Enemies

If I could obtain some tiny revenge on the living individuals who’ve hurt me the most…

  • To the nasty boss who did a malicious thing to me while I was in my last semester of college:  I hope her forearms get so hairy, she needs a bush-wacker simply to see on a daily basis.
  • To the nasty comic who did a malicious thing to me once while I was on stage:  I hope her boobs get so large, she needs a complex set of mirrors simply to to see on a daily basis.
  • And to the nimrod supervisor who took credit for my work and made my last office job so difficult:  Take his fucking license away. He’s too stupid to be driving.

I hope one day to perform for these specimens in their nursing homes and make them piss themselves laughing, as opposed to from just plain old incontinence.

satan-in-a-diaper-hot-stuff

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Seminal Sunday Stream

If the majority of history’s greatest writers had been potheads instead of drunks, we’d have far fewer books.

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If Ogden Nash were alive, he’d write: “Trump has won / Clinton didn’t get it done / I will not bicker / Now get me some liquor.”

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Have you noticed whenever someone says, “It’s all love,” there’s usually just been a lot of hate flying around?

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Is it considered hate speech if you only do it behind someone’s back?

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People have a hard time understanding how Donald Trump can continuously make references to how attractive he finds his daughter Ivanka. It’s simple. He’s never seen her without makeup or a blow-out. #ooooh  #meow  #meant2beFunnyNotPolitical

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Regarding Trump…my Cuban friend said, “Hey, at least he won’t be in for life.”

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I almost wrote my husband in as a presidential candidate. He’d do a great job and has a clean record, except for me.

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Aging Process Update: currently researching prices on bedside commodes.

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It’s sad when you hear about washed-up rock stars dying of overdoses, especially when the drug involved is a statin.

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I wonder if dogs ever ask each other, “Does this make my ass smell fat?”

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“Romeostasis”: finding your emotional water level with or without a romantic partner.

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In dating, there’s no gray area. He’s either the man of your dreams, or he puts you to sleep.

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The new employee at the coffee shop attempted to make a heart shape in the foam of my latte, but it came out looking like a very small penis. So she called it an Irish Coffee.


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Saw a picture of the guy who’s gonna be roasted at a comedy show. Already looked baked.

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My thoughts directed at militant cancer survivors who constantly lecture others about unhealthy habits: “So, what was your lifestyle before you got sick? Did you eat poorly? Smoke? Suck a lot of cock? That last one doesn’t matter; I’m just curious.”

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I don’t remember seeing so many moobs (man-boobs) around when I was a child. Then again, my eyes were only at crotch-level.

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This guy said he was great in bed, but I didn’t believe him because he was pretty lousy on his couch.

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I gave a homeless man five bucks, then made him listen to me sing.

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Screw singing, I just found out I’m a phenomenal lip-syncher.

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Bank Trustworthiness Update: I’ve never seen a clock outside a bank that was even remotely accurate.

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Have you ever noticed how people who vehemently defend other people’s right to speak freely….never shut the hell up? #vociferous

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Fun Day At The Orifice: just remember, when the proctologist says, “Hey, asshole!”, don’t take it personally. He’s not talking to you.

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I plan to write to Dos Equis and tell them I have “the most interesting colon in the world.”

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The more I hang around comedians, the more normal musicians seem to me.

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I have a terrible habit of listening to a song I like over and over, resulting in a fierce ear worm. And tit’s not ok, you can’t finger that shit out later.

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Everyone’s getting into personal branding, including the homeless. Guy on the highway off-ramp had a sign that read “Make me your cabana boy TODAY.”

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I did Black Tie Lunchbox on KBJB Internet/Radio. Listen to how witty we all are without (much) liquor

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It’s titillating! Take a listen to my interview HERE—-> Black Tie Lunchbox with J. Timothy Quirk and KJ Johansen, episode 6 with comedian Joanna Rapoza

I encourage you to check out everything on KBJB Internet/Radio and Black Tie Lunchbox for consistently entertaining and informative broadcasts!!

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Joanna Rapoza, KJ Johansen and J. Timothy Quirk in studio in New Milford CT

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Happy with a great interview

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To Fur With Glove: A Tic Tac-Hoohaa Holiday

As if Donald Trump was not already providing enough tragi-comic relief, we’ve all just been treated to the latest leaked audio of him speaking (surprise, surprise) like a spectacularly misogynistic clod.


Read the full story here if you have not yet been titillated.

In the recorded “locker room” discussion he had with journalist Billy Bush, Donald Trump described his inability to resist touching attractive females’ nether regions. 

The common knowledge is that none of those women would have let him grab their hoohaas if they’d seen his tax returns.

Not to pass up an opportunity, Hillary Clinton is now making a concerted effort to reach out to Trump, primarily to determine the best methodology for accessing ladies’ pussies.

In an unexpected twist, several cross-dressers have come forward, admitting that Trump has actually always been an equal–opportunity crotch-grabber.

Because of the timing of the newly revealed audio, pundits and comedians now speculate on the possibility that Donald Trump was once attracted to Hillary Clinton.

Trump’s latest egregious comments occurred when he visited the TV set of a soap opera to make a cameo appearance. One can only wonder what sort of verbiage would be tossed around if he were to do a guest performance with Barnum & Bailey. Most likely, we’d hear some bestiality jokes, but they’d be in reference to the Fat Lady. Trump tends to avoid circus appearances, however, because he resents being confused with the heavier-set clowns. 

Ironically, this latest negative exposure will likely get Donald Trump laid even more than ever. But sadly, it will always be with the wrong type of girl, especially from his wife’s perspective.

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I’m delusional, but it works for me

Dear Aging Celebrities who suddenly open a Facebook account and begin posting refried quotes, old pictures of yourselves, and comments like, “I wonder if anyone remembers who I am”: I wonder if you remember who you are. Or if it’s even you. Do you all have the same publicist? Because I see a lot of boilerplate. I’m glad you only show pictures of yourselves from long ago, because you now appear to have dementia as well as a dirty diaper.

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I’ve been hearing strange noises in the pipes for weeks, and now am convinced my house has a giant tapeworm.

tapeworm

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One day, in this country, parents will encourage their children by saying, “Look, you can be someone like Donald Trump, and still grow up to be the president of the United States of America.”

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I encountered a flirtatious Mormon and thought, “I hope he doesn’t think I’m second wife material.”

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Five stages of grief:

  1. Reagan
  2. Bush 1
  3. Bush 2
  4. Obama
  5. Whoever gets in

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Silver lining for depressives: on days you cry a lot, you don’t have to run for the bathroom as much. #dehydration #CloudsAlsoPee #HaHaHaWe’reAllGonnaDie

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I’m terribly disappointed in the Olympic athletes. During the events, so many of them are out at night, partying and having wild sex. If it were me, I would be back in my dorm room each night, alone, getting high.

olympic-rings

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Future geezers, oohing and ahhing over pictures of their transgender grandchildren: “She got her mother’s hips, and her father’s dick.”

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I read that couples who do chores together have better sex lives. What that really means is husbands who help their wives around the house get more blowjobs.

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Since corporations are people, I’m now waiting for the first one to go into psychotherapy. Many of them seem pretty dysfunctional.

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Heard about a Scottish man who died from a germ living inside his bagpipes. This has just ratcheted up Celtic festivals to a new level of excitement.

bagpipes

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Literally and metaphorically, rubbing noses for Eskimos is considered boning.

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A California friend had an unpleasant encounter with a weirdo while hiking. She was wearing all white yoga attire. He was wearing binoculars.

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I’m planning to write a song dedicated to the wheat industry called “Thanks For The Bulkiness.”

wheat-field

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My husband hates it when I burp, but he’s the main reason for my acid reflux.

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I dreamed I met Jesus in the ER and asked Him if He accepted insurance into His heart.

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You know society is in a major transition when black people are shushing old white ladies in movie theaters.

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If you really wanna get picky, everything on the Bristol Stool Form Scale is technically a #2.

 

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I’m not a Schadenfreudist, but I like watching them on TV

Not to be outdone in the kinky department, BET is releasing a movie titled “Fifty Shades of Ashy.”

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Confucius said, “Man who doesn’t wash hands after bathroom not wise man.” My Vietnamese nail lady says, “Skinny guys good for sex in bath.”

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People who seem unflappable can go flap themselves.

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If the Green Party changed its name to the “Incredible Green Hulk Party”, they might get more takers.

green hulk rampage

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Music soothes the savage beast. Warner Brothers always showed the Tasmanian Devil stopping in his tracks when someone played violin. I know it’s a cartoon, but I offer it as proof to those of you who don’t like facts.

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I met a guy with “face blindness” who said he never forgot a set of tits.

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I took a Buzzfeed quiz telling me what scientist I was in a previous life. It said Isaac Newton. A footnote said, “Do you really believe this stuff, Einstein?”

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Caitlin Jenner is going to pose nude for Sports Illustrated with her new and old appendages. She will need a fluffer as well as a tucker.

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If done properly, public shaming could save the world.

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In Jamaica, everyone has three goals:

  1. Find food.
  2. Find weed.
  3. Find food.

Jamaican flag and country

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Funny how when we were kids, none of the boys that wanted to play doctor were Jewish.

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My mother grew up in the Bronx. They never worried about guys in women’s clothing in the restroom because they were too busy avoiding men in raincoats in the subway flashing their genitals.

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Hebrew National hot dogs are different because they are circumcised.

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I know a woman who craps regularly but has no moral fiber.

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Primary Law of the Internet: If you seem like a dick, you probably are.

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400 years from now people in a museum will be looking at an oil painting titled “Woman Cradling iPhone.”

painting woman holding iphone

 

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Serious Rendered Silly

A foreign friend texted me, “Thanks for your friendship and stupor.” I’m pretty sure she meant “support,” but I do offer both.

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I keep waiting to see a Cialis commercial with two gay men, or an interracial couple. But America’s not quite ready for that; currently, we’re only allowed to see representations of establishment-endorsed boning.

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Obama’s made several trips to Riyadh, and has been involved in the selling of more arms to Saudi Arabia than any other American president. I think he keeps making trips because he has trouble “latching on.”

Obama Riyadh.jpg

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Who is not concerned about their water quality? If you have well water, you’re worried about benzene or other pollutants in the ground. If you have tap water, you may have to deal with chlorine, fluoride and lead. But one thing I’m not worried about is tetrahydrocannabinol. I think they should pump some of that stuff into our water system, and then we would truly have a much kinder, gentler nation. And I bet, less inflammation.

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Why doesn’t anyone call Hillary a communist? They’re also into weird pant suits.

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Who can blame kids for considering dealing drugs when they see how lucrative it’s been for Big Pharma?

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My son was going to see a speaker at the high school talk about how he’d ruined his life with drugs, but decided to skip it. I told him, “You know, if you ever have any questions, you can always come to me.”

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Bernie and Hillary, An Opera:  Bernie and Hillary stand on the stage. A series of their surrogates come out and throw acid everywhere. Then Hillary sings, and it’s over.

Bern and Hill

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Scientists at Colorado State University did a study that determined the louder you chew, the less you will eat. They also said to try the brownies.

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Hey, Windows, I see you’ve recovered from an unexpected shutdown again. It’s not so unexpected anymore because it happens so fucking frequently. #bugs

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I HATE TO ADMIT IT, BUT I NOW NEED LARGE PRINT.

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Donald Trump doesn’t shoot from the hip so much as from the love handles.

Donald Trump golfing

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A maternity hospital was bombed in Syria. I don’t think they covered that in “What to Expect When You’re Expecting.”

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I read of a beauty pageant contestant who had a seizure while performing. She got up, and finished. She wasn’t crowned, but she did get “Most Clutch.”

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A new scientific study says Psilocybin cures depression. I knew people in college who engaged in lay studies decades ago.

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Pampers has a video featuring the facial expressions of infants as they fill their diapers. I hope Depends doesn’t get any ideas.

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Muppets 2016 has been cancelled. Apparently we already have enough empty heads on TV talking out their ass.

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Richard Nixon was famous for the line “I am not a crook”, but he could never bring himself to say “I am not a Dick.”

Nixon not a crook

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I’m positive that during the recent Senate sit-in regarding gun legislation, a woman in a skirt sat cross legged and winked at someone.

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How about that lady in Australia who woke up with a 15 foot python in her bed? Talk about laying down some major pipeline. BTW snakes can’t operate The Clapper, but they can very effectively knock over lamps.

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Right after the California Democratic primary, Bernie Sanders made history by giving a speech, live streaming from his home in the state of Vermont, or as Sarah Palin calls it, New Hampshire.

NH and VT map.jpg

 

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