Atheist Kids Want Mall Grinch

I wonder if Grinch and Shrek were in the same play group as toddlers.

Shrek vs Grinch

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Today’s medications get stuck in your throat just saying them.  Zaljang? Zolmitriptan?  Zackackackackackackack!!!

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If I were young, I’d move to Denver to start a restaurant. #RockyMountainHire

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Young people take better selfies than geezers because their hands don’t shake as much.

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I recently wondered why religious feminists have not yet demanded prayers end with “awomen” instead of “amen”?  Smart alecks online said it’s the same reason “it’s hymns, not hers”.  Also, “awomen can’t end a conversation.”  Those men will go to hell, where Satan is a probably a woman with continuous hot flashes.

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Fox News called Senator Elizabeth Warren “the devil”, but at least they didn’t call her “a demon”.

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Aetna does not reimburse for infrared light therapy except in one situation: severe internal hemorrhoids. Talk about sticking it where the sun don’t shine.

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Someone told me I’d need to lose 20 pounds to be on TV and I said screw that, get rid of two cameras.

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How is cleaning your septic tank like the Haitian elections?  Both are three years overdue.  (I will not talk about the odors.)

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You know someone is a complete screw-up when they type “opps!”

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I want to go into the email witness protection program!  I try to unsubscribe to two or three emails every morning.  Rome was not built in a day, people.

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*Peyton Manning sits on toilet, humming*

“Nationwide is on my mind…”’

Push it

Push it

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If Romney runs again I swear I’m gonna coin the phrase “Ram it like Romney”.  Not only does that guy’s shit stink, I bet his pee also smells funny. #asparagus

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That horrifying moment when you realize you’re no longer using the letter opener on Christmas cards you’ve received, and you’re actually opening the ones you’ve just sealed up to be mailed.

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I know someone who played the turd in a live enactment of human defecation on Dr. Oz’s show.  You just can’t argue with that kind of science.

Dr Oz and poop

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Wouldn’t it be ironic if a deaf kid got a cochlear implant, and as soon as it’s turned on, they realize he’s also autistic? #turnthefuckingsounddownsyndrome

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BTW, deaf porn stars get cocklear implants.

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The Greek god of short term investments was Gyro Price.

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Newsflash:  “Blah, blah, voila!” is the new “yada, yada.”

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Even Nicki Minaj’s gibberish is misspelled.

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When the black chick on the Liberty Mutual commercial complains about other companies not reimbursing fully and asks “How you gonna drive three-quarters of a car?”  I wanna say, “Girl, ain’t you been to the hood?”

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Old robot prostitutes never die, they just get re-bootied. #GeorgeJetsonWasTappingRosie

George Jetson does Rosie

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Nicole Richie brags she can wear her six year old’s coats.  In related news, they both have pea brains.

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Paul Reubens has a new movie out and it’s going straight to porn theaters.

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That horrid moment on your 30-something date when he sees your stray eyelash and automatically assumes it’s chin hair.

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“All I needed was an instrument to play badly.” ~ Henny Youngman, in my imagination.  (Why I imagine conversations with Henny Youngman is in fact, a deeply disturbing thing.)

Henny Youngman album cover

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