Two Jerks In A Circle

Just to see if he was listening, I told my kid I saw a Cialis commercial with two gay guys.
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Bruce Jenner proved once again that behind every great man, there’s a woman. The TV movie based upon his life (in which he’ll play both the “before” and “after”) will be called “Bend It Like Jenner.”

Not much difference, really

Not much difference, really

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Every once in awhile, I’ll say something innocent that’s interpreted as vulgar. At those times, I feel like I’m in an alternative universe.
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I removed a difficult splinter from my finger, then decided to lay still in recovery for an hour. #nap
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When you were a kid, and you’d get to talk into a live microphone, you’d say, “Testing, testing, one, two, three, four.” Knowing that when you grew up, you’d get to say, “Testing, testing, one, two, three, fuck.”

young-boy-singing-into-microphone
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Remember that one person in high school that boasted they liked anal sex? You never forget that person.
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Had to close my tiny Etsy shop. Running a “Buy One, Get The Only Other One Free” sale did not work.
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Scientists say drinking tequila actually helps you lose weight. Because you go salsa dancing afterwards.
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You can vaccinate your child. Or, you can let him go wild in the ball pit at McDonald’s. Your choice.
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You don’t think they made a few jokes about Klingons circling Uranus around the Star Trek office? Don’t be naïve.

dingleberry
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If everyone sat around and thought about stuff as much as I do, the world would be calmer. But there’d be more hemorrhoids.
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Solipsistic post I saw on Facebook:  “There are few things that affect my life less than British royalty having babies.” Not long after, another update: “Who wants to see ‘Avengers’ with me again?” I so wanted to comment, “There are few things that affect my life less than stupid movies like ‘Avengers.’ If you lived in England, right now, you’d be buying a commemorative plate.”

princess diana commemorative plate

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Seth MacFarlane Announces New Fox Animated Series, “Siegel the Seagull”, For Fall 2016 Release

Seth MacFarlane announced yesterday the creation of a new animated series, “Siegel the Seagull”, scheduled to appear on Fox in Fall of 2016. Siegel is a character reportedly near and dear to MacFarlane’s heart; leaks from the show’s writing staff indicate the uber-writer/actor/singer/producer/crotch ventriloquist was fondly attached to the seagulls of Disney’s “Nemo”, and had long wanted to develop a series concept based on soaring creatures that mainly eat garbage and shit on others.

3-D prototype of Siegel the Seagull

3-D prototype of Siegel the Seagull

Siegel is a Jewish seagull, born with the last name Siegel, but forced to assimilate in kindergarten.  When he first arrived at school, the teachers thought he looked like Seagull, smelled like Seagull, so they renamed him Seagull. They apparently weren’t tipped off by the fact that his first name was Moishe.

Moishe Seagull then changes his name back to Siegel at the age of majority (which, for birds, is way younger than 18, because birds don’t live that long, bird-brain!), and hilarity ensues when the flock learns he’s been Jewish all along.  We predict many great sight gags involving terrorist gulls flying into Israeli tankers on an extra-full stomach, just to prove a point.

“Siegel the Seagull”, created/produced/directed/written/voice-acted/choreographed by the multi-tasking Seth MacFarlane, Fox Network, Fall 2016, schedule TBA.

Seth MacFarlane in gay-curious plaid short sleeves

Seth MacFarlane in gay-curious plaid short sleeves

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Animal Haven of North Haven CT Comedy Benefit Fundraiser 4.15.15!

Animal Haven Fundraiser Flyer 4.15.15

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I’m Still Hosting the Bi-Weekly (And Totally Curious) Comedy Open Mic At Jalisco Restaurant!

Flyer 5.19.15 snipped

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I Eat Like A Frenchwoman But I Burp Like A Scotsman

I’m surprised Lady Gaga hasn’t done a remake of Helen Reddy’s hit and called it, “I Am Woman, Hear Me Burp.”

lady gaga mouth open

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I read a new analysis about addiction that concluded it’s only when rats are kept in isolation, as they were in early studies, that they get hooked on heroin water.  When rats are re-introduced to the big, happy maze, with all their friends and distractions…supposedly, no addiction.  But I say bullshit.  (Or perhaps ratshit.)  I believe there was a group of rats who figured out how to do it in moderation.  Every Friday, or maybe Thursday, if they were having a bad week, these rowdy rodents would meet at the heroin water cooler, and party hearty.  (“Toga, toga!”)  Then they’d go next door to the gerbil sorority, find themselves involved with shavings, sample the sex cage disguised as a wheel, and get back to the maze by dawn before the weekend scientists showed up for work.

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Did you know sulfur is actually a metal? And here I thought it was a fart. Or gas. I mean, a gas. Do me a solid and forget I ever brought it up.

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If you knit a bunch of large sacks to hold marijuana, did you just make pot holders?

crocheted pot leaf ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Gentlemen! If you have a daily prescription for Cialis, you better make sure your wife or girlfriend has a daily prescription for tranquilizers. Because we thought we were already done with all that bullshit! Meanwhile, a female Viagra is currently in development, and supposedly will be on the market in about three years. Because the pharmaceutical companies know how we ladies like to let the tension build.

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I would like to go on a date with Bill Cosby.  Now hear me out. I’d pretend to sip my drink.  I’d pretend to pass out.  I’d pretend to wake up just as Bill was pulling down his pants.  I’d really cut off his testicles.  I’d really have a mold made from them.  I’d really send a pair of bookends to each of the women that he allegedly raped. They might not appreciate it, but I’d be doing it for them.

bill-cosby-shocked

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I’m Hosting The New Bi-weekly Comedy Open Mic At Jalisco Restaurant In Glastonbury!

Jalisco snipped 4.7.15

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4 Text Monsters

Finger on the Trigger:  You never hear from these people, except when texted, they respond with lightning speed.  (Also known as “Lurkers”.)

cell phone gun

Throw ‘Em a Bone:  Your fear is if you contact these pests, they’ll text back fast and furious for hours.  But really, all they want is one or two quick messages, and then they’ll settle right down.

Dog waiting on text

The LOLer:  Practically every single communication from these folks ends in “LOL”, or “lol”.  Some texts read simply, “lol.”

LOL fishface

The Silent Wall:  This should be pretty much self-explanatory.  Or not.

You don't say.

You don’t say.

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