I’m delusional, but it works for me

Dear Aging Celebrities who suddenly open a Facebook account and begin posting refried quotes, old pictures of yourselves, and comments like, “I wonder if anyone remembers who I am”: I wonder if you remember who you are. Or if it’s even you. Do you all have the same publicist? Because I see a lot of boilerplate. I’m glad you only show pictures of yourselves from long ago, because you now appear to have dementia as well as a dirty diaper.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I’ve been hearing strange noises in the pipes for weeks, and now am convinced my house has a giant tapeworm.

tapeworm

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One day, in this country, parents will encourage their children by saying, “Look, you can be someone like Donald Trump, and still grow up to be the president of the United States of America.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I encountered a flirtatious Mormon and thought, “I hope he doesn’t think I’m second wife material.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Five stages of grief:

  1. Reagan
  2. Bush 1
  3. Bush 2
  4. Obama
  5. Whoever gets in

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Silver lining for depressives: on days you cry a lot, you don’t have to run for the bathroom as much. #dehydration #CloudsAlsoPee #HaHaHaWe’reAllGonnaDie

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I’m terribly disappointed in the Olympic athletes. During the events, so many of them are out at night, partying and having wild sex. If it were me, I would be back in my dorm room each night, alone, getting high.

olympic-rings

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Future geezers, oohing and ahhing over pictures of their transgender grandchildren: “She got her mother’s hips, and her father’s dick.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I read that couples who do chores together have better sex lives. What that really means is husbands who help their wives around the house get more blowjobs.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Since corporations are people, I’m now waiting for the first one to go into psychotherapy. Many of them seem pretty dysfunctional.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Heard about a Scottish man who died from a germ living inside his bagpipes. This has just ratcheted up Celtic festivals to a new level of excitement.

bagpipes

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Literally and metaphorically, rubbing noses for Eskimos is considered boning.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A California friend had an unpleasant encounter with a weirdo while hiking. She was wearing all white yoga attire. He was wearing binoculars.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I’m planning to write a song dedicated to the wheat industry called “Thanks For The Bulkiness.”

wheat-field

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My husband hates it when I burp, but he’s the main reason for my acid reflux.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I dreamed I met Jesus in the ER and asked Him if He accepted insurance into His heart.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You know society is in a major transition when black people are shushing old white ladies in movie theaters.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you really wanna get picky, everything on the Bristol Stool Form Scale is technically a #2.

 

Posted in Funny Irreverent Stuff | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

I’m not a Schadenfreudist, but I like watching them on TV

Not to be outdone in the kinky department, BET is releasing a movie titled “Fifty Shades of Ashy.”

****************************

Confucius said, “Man who doesn’t wash hands after bathroom not wise man.” My Vietnamese nail lady says, “Skinny guys good for sex in bath.”

****************************

People who seem unflappable can go flap themselves.

****************************

If the Green Party changed its name to the “Incredible Green Hulk Party”, they might get more takers.

green hulk rampage

****************************

Music soothes the savage beast. Warner Brothers always showed the Tasmanian Devil stopping in his tracks when someone played violin. I know it’s a cartoon, but I offer it as proof to those of you who don’t like facts.

****************************

I met a guy with “face blindness” who said he never forgot a set of tits.

****************************

I took a Buzzfeed quiz telling me what scientist I was in a previous life. It said Isaac Newton. A footnote said, “Do you really believe this stuff, Einstein?”

****************************

Caitlin Jenner is going to pose nude for Sports Illustrated with her new and old appendages. She will need a fluffer as well as a tucker.

****************************

If done properly, public shaming could save the world.

****************************

In Jamaica, everyone has three goals:

  1. Find food.
  2. Find weed.
  3. Find food.

Jamaican flag and country

****************************

Funny how when we were kids, none of the boys that wanted to play doctor were Jewish.

****************************

My mother grew up in the Bronx. They never worried about guys in women’s clothing in the restroom because they were too busy avoiding men in raincoats in the subway flashing their genitals.

****************************

Hebrew National hot dogs are different because they are circumcised.

****************************

I know a woman who craps regularly but has no moral fiber.

****************************

Primary Law of the Internet: If you seem like a dick, you probably are.

****************************

400 years from now people in a museum will be looking at an oil painting titled “Woman Cradling iPhone.”

painting woman holding iphone

 

Posted in Funny Irreverent Stuff | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Serious Rendered Silly

A foreign friend texted me, “Thanks for your friendship and stupor.” I’m pretty sure she meant “support,” but I do offer both.

******************************

I keep waiting to see a Cialis commercial with two gay men, or an interracial couple. But America’s not quite ready for that; currently, we’re only allowed to see representations of establishment-endorsed boning.

******************************

Obama’s made several trips to Riyadh, and has been involved in the selling of more arms to Saudi Arabia than any other American president. I think he keeps making trips because he has trouble “latching on.”

Obama Riyadh.jpg

******************************

Who is not concerned about their water quality? If you have well water, you’re worried about benzene or other pollutants in the ground. If you have tap water, you may have to deal with chlorine, fluoride and lead. But one thing I’m not worried about is tetrahydrocannabinol. I think they should pump some of that stuff into our water system, and then we would truly have a much kinder, gentler nation. And I bet, less inflammation.

******************************

Why doesn’t anyone call Hillary a communist? They’re also into weird pant suits.

******************************

Who can blame kids for considering dealing drugs when they see how lucrative it’s been for Big Pharma?

******************************

My son was going to see a speaker at the high school talk about how he’d ruined his life with drugs, but decided to skip it. I told him, “You know, if you ever have any questions, you can always come to me.”

******************************

Bernie and Hillary, An Opera:  Bernie and Hillary stand on the stage. A series of their surrogates come out and throw acid everywhere. Then Hillary sings, and it’s over.

Bern and Hill

******************************

Scientists at Colorado State University did a study that determined the louder you chew, the less you will eat. They also said to try the brownies.

******************************

Hey, Windows, I see you’ve recovered from an unexpected shutdown again. It’s not so unexpected anymore because it happens so fucking frequently. #bugs

******************************

I HATE TO ADMIT IT, BUT I NOW NEED LARGE PRINT.

******************************

Donald Trump doesn’t shoot from the hip so much as from the love handles.

Donald Trump golfing

******************************

A maternity hospital was bombed in Syria. I don’t think they covered that in “What to Expect When You’re Expecting.”

******************************

I read of a beauty pageant contestant who had a seizure while performing. She got up, and finished. She wasn’t crowned, but she did get “Most Clutch.”

*******************************

A new scientific study says Psilocybin cures depression. I knew people in college who engaged in lay studies decades ago.

*******************************

Pampers has a video featuring the facial expressions of infants as they fill their diapers. I hope Depends doesn’t get any ideas.

*******************************

Muppets 2016 has been cancelled. Apparently we already have enough empty heads on TV talking out their ass.

*******************************

Richard Nixon was famous for the line “I am not a crook”, but he could never bring himself to say “I am not a Dick.”

Nixon not a crook

*******************************

I’m positive that during the recent Senate sit-in regarding gun legislation, a woman in a skirt sat cross legged and winked at someone.

*******************************

How about that lady in Australia who woke up with a 15 foot python in her bed? Talk about laying down some major pipeline. BTW snakes can’t operate The Clapper, but they can very effectively knock over lamps.

*******************************

Right after the California Democratic primary, Bernie Sanders made history by giving a speech, live streaming from his home in the state of Vermont, or as Sarah Palin calls it, New Hampshire.

NH and VT map.jpg

 

Posted in Funny Irreverent Stuff, Serious Stuff | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Paul’s Pub Web Series: Episode 10 with Comedians Richard Cyr and Joanna Rapoza

I had great fun doing this and watching the final product. Paul Starybrat does GREAT work!

Watch Paul’s Pub Episode 10 by clicking HERE!

Below are some fun still shots from our evening. Did you watch the video? Check out Paul’s Pub’s other Webisodes!

Paul's Pub black and white Jo Rich claw gesturePaul's Pub black and white Jo Paul RichPaul's Pub color Jo Rich Jo talking into mic

 

Posted in Funny Irreverent Stuff, Promos, Serious Stuff | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

10 Things I Didn’t Care To Read About Donald Trump, But Was Willing To Ridicule

Donald Trump close up

1. “He may seem like a Manhattanite, but Donald grew up in Queens, NY, in the neighborhood known as Jamaica Estates.”

I actually had him pegged for Rego Park.

2. “He wanted ‘to court’ Princess Diana. ‘She was a genuine princess – a dream lady,’ he says in his 1997 book ‘The Art of the Comeback.'”

Nice comeback, Donald! She chose Dodi over you. (Not the wisest move on her part, I would admit.) Even if Diana were still living, or a paraplegic…you’d have no chance.

Princess Di

3. “He attended the New York Military Academy and says it gave him ‘more training militarily than a lot of the guys that go into the military.'”

I’m just gonna let that one sink in for those of you who are not averse to trying to beat the shit out of him.

4. “He’s a big WWE wrestling fan and has taken part in a bunch of WWE events, including ‘Wrestlemania.'”

Yet another lovely characteristic America can be proud of in a potential future president.
#Idiocracy

5. “He’s hosted NBC’s Saturday Night Live twice – once in 2004 and again in 2015.”

And I guarantee you, he will not be invited back.

6. “Second wife Marla Maples said sex with him was the best she ever had.”

She’s also fond of orangutans.

7. “After singer Jennifer Hudson’s mom, brother and nephew were murdered in 2008, Donald had Jennifer and some relatives stay for free at the Trump International Hotel and Tower.”

He expected them to provide their own maid service for the entire stay.

8. “‘My net worth fluctuates,’ admits Donald, ‘and it goes up and down with markets and with attitudes and with feelings – even my own feelings.'”

I have a feeling this is a guy who does not understand financial markets, or feelings. Also, note to Donald: “crotch” is not a “feeling.”

9. “He has a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.”

People are known to take their dogs specifically to that spot to defecate.

Donald Trump's star

10. “Clean-freak Donald beat his hand-shaking phobia on the campaign trail!”

Leave it to a tabloid to leak such an interesting tidbit!

Way to freak The Donald out at his next event: just before shaking hands, visibly rub your nose.

(Original column in quotes and italics; from Globe magazine April 25, 2016 issue)

Posted in Funny Irreverent Stuff | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

Valley of the Trolls

Kids today mature quickly. I overheard third graders playing Duck Duck Grey Goose.

gray goose

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The other night I parked at a club next to a motel where a fatal stabbing had just occurred. I positioned my car just out of arms’ reach.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Henny Youngman as a devout Mormon: “Take my wives, please.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I met a really nice comedian who was covered in tattoos. He had full sleeves and everything. He has a daytime job, works with kids and they love him. They think he’s animated.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

They fought so bitterly during the Republican “debates”, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio will no doubt one day be featured in a gay porno called “Trading Blows.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If Cinderella had been a Jewish Princess, she could have stayed at The Ball until 1 a.m.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I’m surprised the Kardashians haven’t ko-opted their own version of religion and kalled it Khristianity. I wish they’d klimb onto their yakht and sail to Syria.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

These days, many journalists are driven to drink…the mainstream media Kool-aid.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I received an email from Verizon Wireless telling me I’m going paperless, so I printed it out.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There should be a “useless” button on Facebook for when you watch a five-minute video thinking you’re going to learn something, but you don’t.

Facebook angry face

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Since we’ve regressed this much, why don’t Trump and Cruz just have a duel?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Obama may be a lame duck, but Ted Cruz is a complete loon.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Here’s the thing about those videos of cats being startled by cucumbers. None of those cats were female.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

April is Alzheimer’s Awareness Month. On May 1st they tell patients, “OK, you can go back to what you were doing.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It’s extra disturbing running into dirty old men who are actually younger than I am.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Despite my efforts to fix it, Facebook keeps communicating with me partly in Italian, so I called it a Stugatz.

Italian Facebook email

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To the guys who keep posting face-swap pics of themselves and their GFs on Facebook: why don’t you do a dick swap? Oh, I see you already have.

Ted Cruz face swap

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

That super-famous guy on Facebook with no arms or  legs but a wife and kids: apparently he’s still got one working appendage.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I read that phthalates in commercially-produced chicken can make your child’s penis small. And that’s why I serve my son only the finest quality foot long hot dogs.

foot long hot dog SNIPPED

Posted in Funny Irreverent Stuff | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Go East, Old Woman

I’ve finally learned: kneeling is so much better than bending over. Squatting is fun, too.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It’s not enough to win the “hearts and minds” of the people. You must win over folks who reproduce a lot.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There are some days when I look very tired and wrung out, and invariably, on those days, someone will call me “Ma’am.”

Grace Black and White

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Technical institutes are now offering majors in “Manufacturing”, with minors in Chinese.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Idea for a web series: “The Press.” I interview people on a wide scope of topics, while catching up on ironing. The concept was inspired by a large backlog of shirts.

Ironing board w iron

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I started a new medication that warned of strange side effects and abnormal behavior. I knew something was wrong and had to stop it because I suddenly began catching up on housework.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I believe that Donald Trump is in for a rude awakening. I also hear he’s kind of unpleasant at bedtime, too.

Trump PJs Santa

 

 

 

Posted in Funny Irreverent Stuff | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment