Don’t Pith Me Off

There are now nine medical marijuana dispensaries in Connecticut, yet not a single one of them is in Stonington.

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I imagine an alternative universe where Brett Kavanaugh is a stoner, and after he and Christine Blasey Ford politely take turns using the bathroom at a party, they sit down and meditate on the human condition.

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According to one of Brett Kavanaugh’s old calendars, his favorite Beatles song was “Why Don’t We Do It In The Robe?“

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NPR is now selling show-inspired alcohol like “’All Things Considered’ Cabernet“, “’Wait Wait’ Don’t Tell Me Chardonnay” and “I Need a Drink to Get Through ‘Food Schmooze.'”

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Some people need alter-egos to stow their excess baggage.

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It’s horrifying how much I now hear people speaking about squirters, yet I can remember prior generations discussing self-cleaning vaginas.

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There’s a sound coming at night from the woods that I believe is a dragon snoring, because what the hell else could it be? 🐉

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Me, apparently overly-fixated on drag personas: “Look at all these different pictures of the guy who owns our motel. Here he’s dressed as a woman!“

My travel mate: “I think that’s his mother.“

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“Dear Sir or Madam” means something completely different nowadays.

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I’m changing my name to Joyanna because I want to be happier, dammit

A woman once told me I was the most beautiful pregnant person she’d ever seen. At the time my son was six months old.

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Cleaning out the closet and found a 1980 issue of Playboy. Talk about big hair.

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I’m performing at a private event in a garage. There will be hoes.

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People with a lot of gas must subconsciously want to be astronauts because they’re constantly trying to blast off 🚀

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Gentlemen, your relationship with women may be broken down into three phases:

1. She likes when you touch her tits.

2. She pretends to like when you touch her tits.

3. You no longer have access to her tits.

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I possess every kind of intelligence there is including parallel parking.

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Bankable and bangable are only one letter apart; that’s saying something.

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I’ve such a bad rejection complex, it hurts to see Jehovah’s Witnesses bang on my neighbors’ doors.

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”Words With Friends With Benefits” is the new game for cunning linguists.

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Thundershirts are not just for dogs during electrical storms and fireworks. I got a Great Dane-sized one and it truly relieves depression and anxiety. I do however find myself taking long walks and peeing on fire hydrants, but aside from that, doing great.

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“Do not give anyone the power to make you feel worthless.”

– Name Withheld

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10 signs your husband is secretly Canadian

1. He is reliable and polite.

2. He likes the cold.

3. He has hockey in his blood. (And blood on his jerseys.)

4. He loves meat pie.

5. He gets all his suits in Montreal.

6. His favorite animals are bears and moose.

7. He is a connoisseur of maple syrup and baguettes.

8. He walks like a glacier.

9. He speaks French every chance he gets, which is especially awkward in Chinese restaurants.

10. He thinks the air in Maine smells almost perfect.

Photo credit: bbc.com

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Bellicosity and the Beast

A beauty pageant contestant had a seizure while performing, got up and finished. She wasn’t crowned, but she did get “Most Clutch.”

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I’d rather have resting bitch face than slack-jawed dumbass face.

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Question for quantum physics hobbyists: if you take a shit in this universe, does that mean in an alternate universe, you give a shit?

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It’s not helpful to tell a friend who’s struggling with diet to “keep your chins up.”

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If you see your proctologist and he says “Hey asshole,” just remember he’s not talking to you.

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At an annual mammogram, the technician in training said, “I’m actually more familiar with dick pics.”

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Nothing bespeaks desolation quite as much as an El Camino parked next to a liquor store next to a trailer park.

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Since corporations are now considered people, I’m waiting for the first one to go into psychotherapy. Some of them seem pretty dysfunctional.

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A Scottish man died from a rare bacteria that was living in his bagpipes. This has just ratcheted up Celtic festivals to a new level of excitement.

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Saw two flies on the wall. Watched them have sex. Is this a beastiality joke? Or a “fly on the wall” joke?

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Britain had Brexit. Texas may Texit. But New Jersey has always had Whatexit.

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My spirit animal is in hibernation.

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Can we please confine our detailed sordid discussions of celebrity sex lives only to the good-looking ones?

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I know a guy who helps women find their lost dogs so he can get pussy.

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I don’t mind being seated in a restaurant near couples on a first date because the guys smell super clean.

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Someone told me they liked the cut of my jib. I said stop staring at my jibs.

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A cell phone is like a corded phone except the cord is not attached to the wall; it’s wrapped around your neck.

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Lots of guys shave their entire head if they’re going bald, but then we can see all the lumps and bumps and frankly it’s just as horrifying as a speedo.

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Connecticut sure as hell got talent

Check out my hot three-minute set in the Connecticut’s Got Talent semi-final competition at the historic Wall Street Theater in Norwalk, CT hosted by Billy Blanks Jr. on Friday, February 23, 2018!

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Thyroid Terrorism

I never tire of the Internet visiting me by delivering articles like 12 signs that a thyroid might not be working as it should. Paranoia about health is no longer necessary to propel people to websites to self-diagnose illnesses. The Web can reach out and grab you by the neck, inside of which somewhere is your precious thyroid, and scare the shit out of you for no good reason. 

Below, I explain to the Internet how it’s wrong when it’s trying to tell me (via the above linked article) symptoms indicating my thyroid is messed up.

1. Fatigue

Got it! I’m really tired of poorly written, uninformative health articles.

2. Anxiety and depression

Those articles also make me sad and nervous.

3. Constipation

I’m doing fine. Maybe the Internet needs more fiber.

4. Random sweat

It’s never random; there’s always a reason. And usually a smell.

5. Weight management issues

My only issue is that I think some people gain weight intentionally so they can have more tattoos.

6. Changes in taste

Food still tastes great to me, when I have an appetite.

7. Thinning hair

Reading horribly written, misleading articles makes me pull my hair out. See #1.

8. Muscle soreness

It’s mostly heartache from these stupid articles. See also #1 and #7.

9. Visible lumps

If I could find the author of these horrible articles, I’d make sure he or she had some visible lumps.

10. Dry skin

Gee, that covers everything. Way to make people paranoid in their own skin, Internet!

11. High blood pressure

…Is what you’ll get if you try to self-diagnose based on these ridiculous articles.

12. Menstrual cycle changes

Ask your doctor! But only if she’s a woman. Otherwise, it gets uncomfortable.

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Ability Beyond measure: Channel 8 interviews the Sharktankers

Ability Beyond and Roses For Autism are fantastic organizations, serving individuals and the public in compassionate and pragmatic ways.

Here is a really nice segment that ran on November 2 in the morning on Channel 8 (Connecticut ABC affiliate) featuring a large project I came in on the tail end of on 10/27. I had a bit part as a shark 🦈🤓 and was honored to be involved as a panelist. 


Thank you for all the fine work you, your organizations and young entrepreneurs do, Paul Starybrat, and for the shout out on TV!! Best of luck to all the new ventures!!#newentrepreneurs #differentabilities #constructivecriticism #followyourpassion #nicesharks

WATCH THE TV INTERVIEW HERE!

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