I’m Hosting The New Bi-weekly Comedy Open Mic At Jalisco Restaurant In Glastonbury!

Jalisco Flyer Snipped v2

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4 Text Monsters

Finger on the Trigger:  You never hear from these people, except when texted, they respond with lightning speed.  (Also known as “Lurkers”.)

cell phone gun

Throw ‘Em a Bone:  Your fear is if you contact these pests, they’ll text back fast and furious for hours.  But really, all they want is one or two quick messages, and then they’ll settle right down.

Dog waiting on text

The LOLer:  Practically every single communication from these folks ends in “LOL”, or “lol”.  Some texts read simply, “lol.”

LOL fishface

The Silent Wall:  This should be pretty much self-explanatory.  Or not.

You don't say.

You don’t say.

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I’ve Been Told Not To Speak At Super Bowl Parties, So I Wrote This For Zach Galifianakis

Dear Mr. Galifianakis:

Today is the 100th Sunday since the 87th Thursday beyond the very first Monday that I began my heretofore financially unprofitable yet still artistically rewarding comedy career.

I originally just went out to buy socks.

I originally just went out to buy socks.

So that’s what makes it an especially weird coinkydinky that I should suddenly remember a strange story I wrote many months ago (about 36.8) which involved your persona.  I invite you to take a look at (and also proof-read, please) the following passage.  Feel free to provide any positive feedback that you can possibly muster.

Daydreaming/Zach G.

Some people have nocturnal emissions; I have “daydream admissions”.   Occasionally  I imagine meeting famous comics.  Wouldn’t it be weird if someone with a terminal illness told the Make A Wish Foundation their desire was to be on an episode of the web series, “Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis”?  That’s what I would do.  But then, I’d probably feel so depressed about my prognosis, I’d be a total drag to interview.  And why would they want a non-celebrity on that show, anyway?  (Honestly, this is the kind of shit I think about.)

What follows is an example of one of the daydreams I had.  I admit that I sort of envision myself as the downtrodden housewife, Naomi.

A Funny Story Involving the Star Zach Galifianakis and Naomi the Downtrodden Housewife

A downtrodden housewife called Naomi goes to famous cougar vixen singer Sheryl Crow’s concert at the local boutiquey musical venue.  It’s a lively show, and from blocks away, one can hear the strains of Sheryl singing her latest sellout pedestrian hit (no pun intended), “I Get By With My Nice Body”.  Naomi would rather have heard more of Sheryl’s earlier, better work, from her first album, “I Tap Liberally Into Other People’s Creativity On Tuesday Evenings”.

After the concert is over, Naomi tries to exit the venue, but gets lost and somehow stumbles into an after-party for Crow, crowded with her entourage and guests.  At first Naomi’s horrified, but then she realizes she’s not likely to ever get to be at such a party again, and she is just crazy enough to decide to fake it and pretend like she thinks she’s invited. She actually spots a local musician/teacher she knows, and they start drinking champagne and conversing about the early Crow songs.  At this point, the Star of the Show spots the Intruder and becomes infuriated that her party has been crashed.  She makes a beeline for the frumpy housewife, and ejects her from the party.  As Naomi slinks away, she loudly slurs, ”Well anyway, you’ll still be a bitch in the morning.”

Naomi ponders what just happened.  She thought she’d seen a sympathetic pair of eyes in the crowd as the horrible exchange with diva-lady Sheryl unfolded.  Yes; it was a bearded man of below-average height with medium brown hair.  Naomi thinks to herself, “What a surprisingly benevolent expression there was upon that serial killer’s face.”  And then she realizes, “That wasn’t a serial killer, that was the comic star Zach Galafianakis!”

To her great surprise, this kind, hirsute, funny man catches up to her as she is leaving.  “You should not have had to endure that.  That was awful,” says Zach as he gently touches Naomi’s elbow.   She is so bowled over that someone so famous could be so nice and reassuring.  They decide to go into a nearby bar to have a beer, to reassure themselves just a tad bit more.

Naomi tells Zach what a great admirer of his work she is, and how much his demented sense of humor touches a deep chord within her.  She rhapsodizes, “It’s like we were twins separated at birth, or something, you know?  Or at the very least, like you were my unborn twin that had to be surgically removed when you became too parasitic.  Those things usually are pretty hairy when they take them out.”

Dead silence.

Zach:  “Uh, thanks.  I think.  That’s really touching.”

The End!

Zach_Galifianakis

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Mother Said There’d Be Mucous (& Other Revelations)

As a bikini model, I’d have to moonlight, because I could not be seen like that during the day.

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I have been reflecting on that Happy Dance Bill Cosby was always doing in the 80’s.  It’s downright creepy.

Cosby-making-a-funny-face

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A guy who saw me perform comedy in a bar told me he liked my non sequiturs.  I said, “Thanks, sometimes I put tassels on them.”

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All those fallen leaves around the base of my house serve as a form of insulation.

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Ever see a toddler get lost in their own house?  Then, watch them in Toys-R-Us?  They know exactly where they need to go for everything.

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People.  Why must they put ballerina skirts on their hedgehogs?

Hegehog ballerina

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Overweight polygamists have even Bigger Love.

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Bullshit detector constantly going off….surrounded by dairy farms….

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I wonder if geeks in the fifties felt secretly cool with their hipster glasses.

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What’s scarier than becoming your mother?  Becoming your mother-in-law.

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Mike Huckabee knows how to cook squirrel in a popcorn maker.  In related news, I once puked in a popcorn maker.

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I always wonder how those old ladies in the TV commercials know so much about each other’s insurance situations.  Usually that generation is pretty tight-lipped about finances.

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Me to young stupid whippersnappers:  “You’re half my age and one quarter my IQ.  Sorry if you can’t keep up with the math.”

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When they say, “You’re born alone, and you die alone,” I’m not so sure.  When you’re born, you’re being violently pushed out of someone’s vagina.  That doesn’t sound too lonely, for anyone involved.

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That old guy with a turn signal lodged in his arm for 50 years had to have it removed.  I’ve heard of an uncomfortable hunk of metal up your ass for two years, but that was ridiculous.  (I hope he makes it into a keychain.)

Actually this guy might've lliked the turn signal better.

Actually this guy might’ve lliked the turn signal better.

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I’m Doing the Funny Bone Wednesday, January 21st!

That may sound obscene, but it’s really just a comedy competition that I’m in! The show is 7:30 PM, Wednesday, January 21st, at the Hartford Funny Bone (which is really in Manchester, in the Buckland Mall).

The great lineup on the show headlined by Marty Caproni and hosted by Geri Wulle includes contestants Joanna Rapoza (me), John Shea, Cezar Ostrowski, Brian Barganier, Jerry Morgan, Izzy Furlo, Marcel Schoen, Colin Cook, John Leisenring, and Matthew Heath.

It’s only $7 cover charge, and even cheaper if you show the coupon below! When you arrive at the club or call to make a reservation, please mention my name.

Cure yourself of cabin fever – come out for a fun time and support the local comedy scene!

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Atheist Kids Want Mall Grinch

I wonder if Grinch and Shrek were in the same play group as toddlers.

Shrek vs Grinch

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Today’s medications get stuck in your throat just saying them.  Zaljang? Zolmitriptan?  Zackackackackackackack!!!

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If I were young, I’d move to Denver to start a restaurant. #RockyMountainHire

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Young people take better selfies than geezers because their hands don’t shake as much.

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I recently wondered why religious feminists have not yet demanded prayers end with “awomen” instead of “amen”?  Smart alecks online said it’s the same reason “it’s hymns, not hers”.  Also, “awomen can’t end a conversation.”  Those men will go to hell, where Satan is a probably a woman with continuous hot flashes.

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Fox News called Senator Elizabeth Warren “the devil”, but at least they didn’t call her “a demon”.

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Aetna does not reimburse for infrared light therapy except in one situation: severe internal hemorrhoids. Talk about sticking it where the sun don’t shine.

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Someone told me I’d need to lose 20 pounds to be on TV and I said screw that, get rid of two cameras.

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How is cleaning your septic tank like the Haitian elections?  Both are three years overdue.  (I will not talk about the odors.)

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You know someone is a complete screw-up when they type “opps!”

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I want to go into the email witness protection program!  I try to unsubscribe to two or three emails every morning.  Rome was not built in a day, people.

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*Peyton Manning sits on toilet, humming*

“Nationwide is on my mind…”’

Push it

Push it

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If Romney runs again I swear I’m gonna coin the phrase “Ram it like Romney”.  Not only does that guy’s shit stink, I bet his pee also smells funny. #asparagus

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That horrifying moment when you realize you’re no longer using the letter opener on Christmas cards you’ve received, and you’re actually opening the ones you’ve just sealed up to be mailed.

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I know someone who played the turd on a live enactment of human defecation on Dr. Oz’s show.  You just can’t argue with that kind of science.

Dr Oz and poop

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Wouldn’t it be ironic if a deaf kid got a cochlear implant, and as soon as it’s turned on, they realize he’s also autistic? #turnthefuckingsounddownsyndrome

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BTW, deaf porn stars get cocklear implants.

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The Greek god of short term investments was Gyro Price.

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Newsflash:  “Blah, blah, voila!” is the new “yada, yada.”

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Even Nicki Minaj’s gibberish is misspelled.

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When the black chick on the Liberty Mutual commercial complains about other companies not reimbursing fully and asks “How you gonna drive three-quarters of a car?”  I wanna say, “Girl, ain’t you been to the hood?”

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Old robot prostitutes never die, they just get re-bootied. #GeorgeJetsonWasTappingRosie

George Jetson does Rosie

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Nicole Richie brags she can wear her six year old’s coats.  In related news, they both have pea brains.

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Paul Reubens has a new movie out and it’s going straight to porn theaters.

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That horrid moment on your 30-something date when he sees your stray eyelash and automatically assumes it’s chin hair.

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“All I needed was an instrument to play badly.” ~ Henny Youngman, in my imagination.  (Why I imagine conversations with Henny Youngman is in fact, a deeply disturbing thing.)

Henny Youngman album cover

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#ChangeAWordRuinADisneyMovie ….. and why?

“The Shagging Dog”….. because they never fixed him

shaggy dog

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“Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Toupée”….. it was a bad hair day from hell

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“Fartasia”….. epic Chinese food gastro turbulence (set to music)

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“30,000 Leagues Under The Sea”….. updated for global warming

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“Roofied Beauty”….. comatose women are hot  (Starring Bill Cosby)

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“Monsters, LLC”….. their tax accountant scared them into changing from Inc.

Monsters Inc movie image Pixar

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“Lady and the Cramps”….. breeders weep when bitches menstruate

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“The Sword In The Stoner”….. epic munchie fail

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“Pilates of the Caribbean”….. Johnny Depp stretches on the beach

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“Honey, I Fucked the Kids”….. how a man with tiny genitalia found sexual healing (Starring Bill Cosby)

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“Mom’s Got a Date With a Terrorist”….. and you thought vampires drew blood

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“Herbie’s Fully Loaded”…..  he inhaled fumes

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“Winnie the Poop”….. honey bear wants ass play

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“Beauty and the Queef”….. yeast is a beast

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“That Darn Crap”….. because the fucking cat won’t shit in the box

 

That-darn-cat-8

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