Winking, Blinking And Nodding Off

It’s a new world. As long as pot smokers are discreet, no one will notice or have a problem with them doing it in public. Kind of like breastfeeding.

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Forget about grassroots organizers….we need a little grass top power.

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Steve Harvey obviously screwed up reading the winner’s name of the Miss Universe pageant. But in his defense, he’s more of a numbers guy.

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Periods come at the end of a sentence. Menopause is the ultimate period.

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There are karma chameleons, and then there are pharma snakes. #skreli

shkreli chess

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I read that a man died “trying to blow up a condom machine.” It’s not often you see the words “blow” and “condom” in the same sentence. He actually died of a head injury. He should have listened to his mother, stayed home and jerked off.

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Dancers are amazing people. They’re so serious about their craft; they take good care of themselves. They have regular sleeping habits, drink little to no alcohol, and that’s why I hang around comedians.

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After all these years, Kenny Rogers still doesn’t know when to “fold”. Nor does his face, which is filled with Botox.

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I once came to a spork in the road. And I took it, because I didn’t have a spoon or fork.

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Those who think they walk on water often end up skating on thin ice.

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I suspect but haven’t confirmed I’m gluten-intolerant. Though I love Caesar’s Salad, I’ve always been anti-crouton. I wouldn’t eat them because I was afraid of the weight gain. Turns out I was afraid of the wheat grain.

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I was shocked (and amused) to discover many respectable-looking ladies’ clothing mail- order catalogs have a couple of hidden pages with female sex toys tucked in them. Whenever a catalog comes in the mail now, I play a game with my family, searching for those pages, and we call it “Where’s Dildo?”

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The key to life is learning to keep your supply in demand.

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Barry Manilow waited forty years before coming out and marrying his partner. It used to be something you were ashamed of, and in the blink of an eye, Manilow said, “No one cares!” In related news, the last known living Barry Manilow fan passed away last week.

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As of late, I’ve decided my spirit animal is Zach Galifianakis.

Zach Galifianakis spirit animal

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No boundary is sacred anymore. They just came out with the sequel “Honey, I Got The Kids High”.

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Gray matter is helped by hearing Mozart. Green matter enables us to enjoy Bob Marley.

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Good thing the entire country is not drinking lead water, otherwise our next prez would for sure be Trump. When asked to comment on the Flint situation, he said he takes his martinis dirty, so what’s the problem?

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They say those who can’t teach, do. Well my mother could “do” and she was also an excellent teacher, a huge skill in and of itself. So to those who only “do”, and criticize teachers, I say, I bet you can’t teach what you do, so…f@ck you!

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Governor Chris Christie is a very canny politician. That being said, he also accepts both canned and perishable goods.

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“That barely makes it up over the verbal Jersey barrier, baby” – cool thing someone will say for real, some day.

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I tweeted the Farrelly Brothers my idea about Ted Williams’ head coming back to life but wanting a woman’s body after he hears about Caitlyn Jenner.

Ted Williams

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If You Can Afford A Life Coach, Then You Might Not Need One

I saw in the news that an Airbnb was built on an old Native American burial ground. The giveaway for the reporter was a hotel manager with the name tag Sheets Like Sandpaper.

Airbnb

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It’s always better to be funny. If only Marie Antoinette had been in clown-face, they might have said, “Off with her make-up.”

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Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask your country whether it needs its dry cleaning picked up.

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I’m tired of aging celebrities who’ve had too much cosmetic work done. They no longer appear fully human; they look like Muppets, or Martians. If these misguided narcissists would go to my esthetician, she’d give them back their original faces. She has more machines than NASA. If my esthetician had been in charge of the Mars mission, we’d have found water two years earlier, along with some really nice facial creams that are outta this world.

Mars with Earth in background

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Some people say Ben Carson lies so much, they wonder if he ever even did brain surgery. However, I’ve heard from several sources that he’s got the malpractice suits to prove it.

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Why don’t some of those Middle East groups change their names to avoid ridicule? Like tell me you never mutter to yourself, “sheeeee-ite” whenever you hear the news. In the 70’s, we were told the oil company Esso changed to Exxon because the original name was a dirty word in an Arabic language. (It turned out Exxon meant foursome in Swedish, but they didn’t seem to care.)

Abba

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There are only three white rhinos left in the world, and surprisingly, Kim Kardashian is not counted as one of them.

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I usually don’t get political, but I’m going out on a limb and saying I do not believe in torture. I do think a nice enhanced interrogation technique would be to chloroform the combatants, and while they’re passed out, draw penises all over their faces with a Sharpie. When they wake up, hand them a mirror. They’ll talk! Maybe throw one vagina on there, in the middle of the forehead. You could tease them that they now have a “third eye”! If two heads are better than one, surely three eyes are better than two.

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Nice flashback: my new hair spray smells like the head shop we used to patronize as children.

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Obnoxious observations while addressing holiday cards: I use less ink for smaller families. But more when their adult children move home.

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The San Bernardino terrorist couple’s radicalization supposedly happened online, before they met. Thusly, their profiles had much in common when initially dating: “I enjoy long walks on the beach, and annihilating infidels.”

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World population has nearly tripled in my lifetime. That’s like having one cat and one litter box, then presto-switcho, three cats using one litter box. Forever. #stinky

Litter_Box_1

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Page V. Stage

I knew a kid growing up who had permissive, hippie parents. The advice they gave her about having sex? “Always get a last name.”

Old hippie couple

Also, tell Grandpa to find his pants.

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It comes in handy that everything you need to know you learned in kindergarten, because so many adults still conduct themselves just like kindergarteners.

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What do kinky motel owner couples like to do? They go over to the Marriott and have hotel sex.

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I was at a party and listened for twenty minutes to a group of people talking about ways to avoid paying taxes. They then spent the next twenty minutes complaining about people on the government dole. #irony

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My dad was a physicist and used to tell us kids when we were bad that he’d rip us a new black hole. Physicists can be ornery! Good thing Stephen Hawking could never work the belt.

Hawking and family

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Bernie Sanders has big balls, and they also have flyaway white hair.

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What is up with these asshole parents who let their kids stockpile guns and Nazi memorabilia? Are they that afraid to go in their rooms to check up on them? I risk life and limb daily going into my son’s stinky room…I can’t really describe the stench. It’s a combo of ass crack, balls and pits. Yet I would KNOW if he had Nazi memorabilia in that mess…despite the dirty clothes, used tissues, rats scurrying by, radioactive waste and overturned Porta-Potties….I WOULD KNOW.

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I started calling my son Volkswagen, because he constantly farts but denies it. #supplier

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I’m guessing that in Caveman Times, it was much harder to be an asshole and somehow blend in than it is today. If you were in a tribe of barely surviving prehistoric humans, good luck being a teenager who compulsively wrote messages on the cave wall to her friends when she should have been doing chores. Try being the grumpiest, most territorial elder of the club, and you just might wake up dead one day in the back of the cave. The Leader would then say, “Move on, nothing to see here, just another one of us crapped out.”….this is what natural selection could have been.

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Inflammation: what is it good for? I tell ya, if it were not for inflammation, we would not have pearls.

pearl and shell

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Casual Schmear

Do you know where cashmere comes from? It is not actually wool. It is from the undercoat hair of goats in the Kashmir region of India, combed out during molting season, and made into yarn.

I’ve brushed many cats, creating fur tumbleweeds, and have sometimes thought, “I bet I could make some yarn and a sweater out of this!” Now, I don’t feel so weird; I probably could have done just such a thing, if I were not so lazy and ignorant.

Why haven’t the Kardashians started collecting their shed hair (I suspect they produce a lot), and making garments from it? I seriously wonder why no famous, egotistical people out there haven’t started marketing clothing made from their own personal “cashmere”. Hell, Donald Trump could have twice the fortune he has now if only he’d thought of this. He certainly has the balls to do such a thing! Which reminds me, from humans, cashmere hair should come from the head. But I bet you’d get a whole contingent of people who’d love to wear a vest woven with fibers from The Donald’s ball hairs.  It might make them feel empowered to get better deals.

Trump ripe for harvest

Ripe for harvesting.

Actually, I have a sense that we’ll be seeing something like this soon coming from Caitlyn Jenner. She still has her tackle gear, and she can regularly harvest fibers for sale, as that would appear to fit in with her calling in life. Caitlyn will probably cut herself a great deal, exclaiming, “I don’t even have to pay for Brazilians. They pay me for my ball hair!”

bruce-jenner-short-shorts-photo

Stay classy, Bruce.

 

 

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Comedy Revolution in CT: Comedy@Carmines

Carmine's the best night in townMy friend’s dad, who came from war-torn Estonia, would sometimes say, “I love a good revolution!” He often said this right before downing a shot of vodka.

I can’t handle vodka, but I can handle the truth. I’m not impressed with the way comedy clubs and shows are run in my general area. The market is saturated. There are too many comics and not enough audience members, who justifiably balk at steep ticket prices for questionable talent. Where should you spend your comedy dollar? In a cramped club, where it’s too dark to see the food you didn’t want to witness anyway, and where the staff treats you like cattle? Plus, you had to buy a ticket for this great experience, along with (likely) a two-drink minimum!

The beautiful bar area of Carmine's

The beautiful bar area of Carmine’s

Carmine’s Bar/Grill/Stage (389 Main Street, East Hartford) is doing things differently.

Carmine’s offers monthly professional comedy showcases for NO COVER CHARGE. Carmine’s philosophy is to charge no cover, but still PAY the entertainers. Once you experience this beautiful, spacious restaurant, with foodie-grade cuisine and friendly staff, you’ll want to return. You will enjoy the same caliber of comedian at Carmine’s professional comedy showcases that you would at any comedy club or showcase in CT, but you will not have to pay for a ticket! In addition, there are no drink minimums! (As if my Estonian friend’s father would have cared! Cheers!)

The next FREE showcase has been scheduled for Saturday, January 16, 2016 (8pm) at Comedy@Carmine’s. Mark your calendar. Don’t miss the next great show in the comedy revolution!

Headliner Dan Frigolette (http://www.danfrigolette.com/) has been on Boardwalk Empire, The Wendy Williams Show and The Artie Lange Show, and is a regular in NYC’s top comedy venues. Feature comic Rick Carino is a regional favorite, hosting/producing showcases and regularly appearing in area clubs.

And of course, don’t forget FREE COMEDY ON FIRST TUESDAYS at Carmine’s. There’s always a fresh and fun batch of upcoming and professional comedians! Next show is 1/5/16. Join the Revolution.

 

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Bush & Kush & Other Incongruities

Jeb Bush recently did an interview entirely in Spanish with Jose Diaz-Balart, revealing intimate things he never discusses in English.

Jeb Bush and Jose Diaz Balart

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A friend gave me a lovely passage about butterflies as spiritual messengers, and I thought, “How come I only get moths?”

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When you find that one person at a party who seems to want to listen endlessly to you, move away. They’re obviously crazy.

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Jeb Bush definitely was into the kush at a young age. Notebook doodle he did in ninth grade: “Cannabunkport….Yeah I Can! Ferry Leaves At 4:20 LOL”

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I dreamed I was a French used car salesman and my dealership was called “C’est La Vehicle.”

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What’s more ironic than a militant feminist with a shaved head and hairy pits?

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I saw Sandra Bullock in Gravity and was left wondering why anyone in space requires a bra.

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I have found that my way actually quite often involves the highway.

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If The Human Centipede had been set in the American south: “Hey, y’all! Y’all, y’all, y’all, y’all, y’all, y’all, y’all, y’all.”

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They’re saying Shakespeare smoked pot. So in ninth grade, when I called him The Bud, I may have been right.

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When is a cougar like a cheetah? When she’s on Ashley Madison.

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I really hope the world doesn’t come to an end, now that I’ve finally discovered boy shorts.

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Some people do lousy things because psychologically, they’re assholes.

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Shakespeare after bong hits: “Now where did I put that last sonnet?”

shakespeare-weed

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Some polls are showing Bernie Sanders is actually ahead of Donald Trump! So why does the media only focus on Trump? Only his hairdresser knows.

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The mother bear who kept swatting her five cubs out of the above-ground pool in New Jersey? She was just trying to have a little adult swim.

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Whenever a big story breaks, such as Sarah Palin saying we should all speak “American”, I wonder what the media is trying to distract us from. Besides my dangling preposition.

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As a child, my goal was to one day be welcome in every family’s living room. Also their bathroom.

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I watched “Working Girl” again. What a great movie. Lots of people get frustrated during that scene where Melanie Griffith is vacuuming topless in the next room. We’re all straining our eyes trying to see what brand of upright she’s using.

Working Girl Vacuuming

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When taking the high road, keep a low center of gravity.

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Scientists are finding more polar bears dead from starvation then ever before at the Arctic Circle. It’s a jungle up there.

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The demise of this country began with Casual Fridays.

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The introduction of processed foods gave the human race a 9-to-5 gut.

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I wonder if Neanderthal Man was the inventor of paper towels.  Neanderthals eventually starved, so they were never thought of as having any Bounty. And they had started dating Cro-Magnons, aka The Quicker Picker Upper.

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How much different would the French Revolution have been if Marie Antoinette had actually said, “Let them smoke weed, then eat cake”? I mean, with all those pastries they’ve got over there? There wouldn’t have been a revolution.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

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Comedy at Carmine’s Bar/Grill/Stage (East Hartford CT)

COMEDY Continues at Carmine’s Bar/Grill/Stage; MONTHLY OPEN MICS ON FIRST TUESDAYS (next show is 11/3/15), AND MONTHLY SHOWCASES COMMENCE Saturday, 11/14/15

East Hartford, CT (October 10, 2015) — Writer/comedian Joanna Rapoza continues to produce and host comedy shows at Carmine’s Bar/Grill/Stage, 389 Main Street, East Hartford, CT. Free open mic shows occur on the first Tuesday of each month (at 8pm), with the next show being November 3rd. Based on performance in the open mics, comedians will have the opportunity to be in monthly paid showcases which commence Saturday, November 14th (8pm). Joanna Rapoza hosts headliner Dame FK and feature Ricci Hector. Lineup subject to change. There may be adult comedy at open mics and showcases.

Signup for performers on 1st Tuesday open mic begins at 7:30pm; showtime is 8pm. Each comic gets five minutes. There will be no cover charge for open mics. Food and drink specials will be available.

Carmine’s Bar/Grill/Stage is an instant favorite among folks both near and far since opening earlier in 2015. Their fresh-from-scratch cuisine and services are also available for off-site catering. More information is available by visiting their website at http://carmines389.wix.com/carmines, phoning them at 860-206-4580, or emailing them at carmines389@gmail.com.

Joanna Rapoza, a Glastonbury resident, has a popular blog (“RangeleyMoose Droppings”), and performs stand-up comedy at clubs and events in the tri-state area.

Carmine's 11.3.15 snipped

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