What’s not to lurk?

I constantly try to picture people having conversations that mirror their social media trash talk and trolling. It’s hard to imagine, because in real life, most of those people wouldn’t have the balls to say negative stuff to someone’s face.

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An uptight herbalist said to me, “marijuana is not a perfect drug.“ And I replied, “No, but it’s still pretty good!“

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I would find politics so much more interesting if the Russians would just tell us what they got on everybody. I want to see the LGPT (Lindsey Graham Pee Tape).

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Ironic that as you get older you insult more people but your own skin gets thinner.

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Last year, two other inmates were also beaten to death in the state penitentiary where Whitey Bulger was killed, and I have to assume that they, too, were assholes.

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We are now well into that time of the year when everything indoors smells like somebody’s unaired-out buttcrack.

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I am so angry that my menopause is going on for so long. These hot flashes have been happening for over six years. It’s not right to make someone so old want to wear a bikini in public. And it was really tough when my kid was going through puberty. The pharmaceutical companies should really think about family hormone plans.

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Why do most of the drink recipes for people who hate the taste of alcohol contain multiple types of booze? #LongIslandIcedTea

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Someone told me that boob sweat smelled like cheese but I would not know because I was not breast-fed and my nose can’t reach mine.

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Lesson in life: they can give you an applicator, but it’s always better with a plain old finger.

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I’ve been doing stand up for almost 8 years, but it seems longer.

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Comedy is such a wonderful craft that you and your fellow artisans can work five years on five minutes of jokes and lose the prize of best set at an open mic to a newbie who’s getting divorced that offered to suck off the whole bar.

#meritocracy

(PS..I’m not bitter. I did not have to swallow a bucket of nastiness that night.)

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I could start my own comedy club and believe if I build it, they will come. Or maybe it will just be some guy out behind the club coming in the bushes, but still, I need to try.

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Saw a piece in Apple Business Insider warning against eating boogers. It’s sad that they felt the need to write such an article. What’s next? “Keep your fingers out of your ass and don’t mistake your dingleberries for truffles”?

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Every brewery boasts they have the best craft beers in the area. They can’t all be telling the truth. Likewise, the phrase “award winning wings” is repeated so often everywhere that historians one day will probably think it’s some kind of greeting.

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A man will look back on most days and think he was productive, even if he spent half the time scratching his balls. A woman will look upon her day and often feel she should have gotten more done, wishing she could delude herself into thinking she’s as productive as a guy with itchy balls.

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I’m crossing riding a horse off my bucket list and adding riding an elephant. Also I will need a bigger bucket.

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Was that a seizure or were you just extra glad to see me?

I finally stopped having that terrible nightmare where you show up for a final exam but haven’t studied, and I think this is because deep down I no longer give a shit.

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At the shelter, I inspire cats to eat, which is the opposite of when I was a kid and would bring them to sandboxes in the neighborhood to watch them poop.

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A cat at the shelter stuck its rear end in my face and I said, “Get away from me! Your butt smells like cat breath. Why would that be? Oh wait…”

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I’m reaching the point in my life now where I may just hang around you if I like your cat.

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I’ve decided some people definitely need to be reincarnated. It’s either that or they will have to work extra hard to be an angel.

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Working as an accountant for 20 years, I dealt with many programmers. One once wrote up a report saying there was a flaw in a program, but he didn’t realize he had typed “fly”. So I snuck into the report afterward, “If there is a fly in your subroutine, it is probably doing the back keystroke.”

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We have a nation half full of morons who don’t vote, but boy, you should see people pull out their fact sheets and argue in great detail on Facebook about the properties of rollercoasters.

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I hope they establish a national public service requirement for young adults. Their slogan could be, “Hey, you might get laid.“

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A telemarketer once called and I held the phone up to my son’s diaper at precisely the moment he was loudly filling it. This remains one of the greatest moments of my life.

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There’s a style some women now have that can only be described as lumberjack/dominatrix and I like it.

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How do you put 6 pounds of sugar in a 5 pound bag? Spanx.

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To the few people I know who still believe in Trump: I admire commitment. But you should be committed.

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Don’t Pith Me Off

There are now nine medical marijuana dispensaries in Connecticut, yet not a single one of them is in Stonington.

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I imagine an alternative universe where Brett Kavanaugh is a stoner, and after he and Christine Blasey Ford politely take turns using the bathroom at a party, they sit down and meditate on the human condition.

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According to one of Brett Kavanaugh’s old calendars, his favorite Beatles song was “Why Don’t We Do It In The Robe?“

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NPR is now selling show-inspired alcohol like “’All Things Considered’ Cabernet“, “’Wait Wait’ Don’t Tell Me Chardonnay” and “I Need a Drink to Get Through ‘Food Schmooze.'”

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Some people need alter-egos to stow their excess baggage.

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It’s horrifying how much I now hear people speaking about squirters, yet I can remember prior generations discussing self-cleaning vaginas.

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There’s a sound coming at night from the woods that I believe is a dragon snoring, because what the hell else could it be? 🐉

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Me, apparently overly-fixated on drag personas: “Look at all these different pictures of the guy who owns our motel. Here he’s dressed as a woman!“

My travel mate: “I think that’s his mother.“

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“Dear Sir or Madam” means something completely different nowadays.

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I’m changing my name to Joyanna because I want to be happier, dammit

A woman once told me I was the most beautiful pregnant person she’d ever seen. At the time my son was six months old.

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Cleaning out the closet and found a 1980 issue of Playboy. Talk about big hair.

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I’m performing at a private event in a garage. There will be hoes.

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People with a lot of gas must subconsciously want to be astronauts because they’re constantly trying to blast off 🚀

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Gentlemen, your relationship with women may be broken down into three phases:

1. She likes when you touch her tits.

2. She pretends to like when you touch her tits.

3. You no longer have access to her tits.

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I possess every kind of intelligence there is including parallel parking.

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Bankable and bangable are only one letter apart; that’s saying something.

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I’ve such a bad rejection complex, it hurts to see Jehovah’s Witnesses bang on my neighbors’ doors.

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”Words With Friends With Benefits” is the new game for cunning linguists.

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Thundershirts are not just for dogs during electrical storms and fireworks. I got a Great Dane-sized one and it truly relieves depression and anxiety. I do however find myself taking long walks and peeing on fire hydrants, but aside from that, doing great.

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“Do not give anyone the power to make you feel worthless.”

– Name Withheld

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10 signs your husband is secretly Canadian

1. He is reliable and polite.

2. He likes the cold.

3. He has hockey in his blood. (And blood on his jerseys.)

4. He loves meat pie.

5. He gets all his suits in Montreal.

6. His favorite animals are bears and moose.

7. He is a connoisseur of maple syrup and baguettes.

8. He walks like a glacier.

9. He speaks French every chance he gets, which is especially awkward in Chinese restaurants.

10. He thinks the air in Maine smells almost perfect.

Photo credit: bbc.com

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Bellicosity and the Beast

A beauty pageant contestant had a seizure while performing, got up and finished. She wasn’t crowned, but she did get “Most Clutch.”

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I’d rather have resting bitch face than slack-jawed dumbass face.

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Question for quantum physics hobbyists: if you take a shit in this universe, does that mean in an alternate universe, you give a shit?

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It’s not helpful to tell a friend who’s struggling with diet to “keep your chins up.”

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If you see your proctologist and he says “Hey asshole,” just remember he’s not talking to you.

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At an annual mammogram, the technician in training said, “I’m actually more familiar with dick pics.”

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Nothing bespeaks desolation quite as much as an El Camino parked next to a liquor store next to a trailer park.

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Since corporations are now considered people, I’m waiting for the first one to go into psychotherapy. Some of them seem pretty dysfunctional.

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A Scottish man died from a rare bacteria that was living in his bagpipes. This has just ratcheted up Celtic festivals to a new level of excitement.

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Saw two flies on the wall. Watched them have sex. Is this a beastiality joke? Or a “fly on the wall” joke?

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Britain had Brexit. Texas may Texit. But New Jersey has always had Whatexit.

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My spirit animal is in hibernation.

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Can we please confine our detailed sordid discussions of celebrity sex lives only to the good-looking ones?

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I know a guy who helps women find their lost dogs so he can get pussy.

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I don’t mind being seated in a restaurant near couples on a first date because the guys smell super clean.

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Someone told me they liked the cut of my jib. I said stop staring at my jibs.

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A cell phone is like a corded phone except the cord is not attached to the wall; it’s wrapped around your neck.

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Lots of guys shave their entire head if they’re going bald, but then we can see all the lumps and bumps and frankly it’s just as horrifying as a speedo.

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Connecticut sure as hell got talent

Check out my hot three-minute set in the Connecticut’s Got Talent semi-final competition at the historic Wall Street Theater in Norwalk, CT hosted by Billy Blanks Jr. on Friday, February 23, 2018!

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