Thyroid Terrorism

I never tire of the Internet visiting me by delivering articles like 12 signs that a thyroid might not be working as it should. Paranoia about health is no longer necessary to propel people to websites to self-diagnose illnesses. The Web can reach out and grab you by the neck, inside of which somewhere is your precious thyroid, and scare the shit out of you for no good reason. 

Below, I explain to the Internet how it’s wrong when it’s trying to tell me (via the above linked article) symptoms indicating my thyroid is messed up.

1. Fatigue

Got it! I’m really tired of poorly written, uninformative health articles.

2. Anxiety and depression

Those articles also make me sad and nervous.

3. Constipation

I’m doing fine. Maybe the Internet needs more fiber.

4. Random sweat

It’s never random; there’s always a reason. And usually a smell.

5. Weight management issues

My only issue is that I think some people gain weight intentionally so they can have more tattoos.

6. Changes in taste

Food still tastes great to me, when I have an appetite.

7. Thinning hair

Reading horribly written, misleading articles makes me pull my hair out. See #1.

8. Muscle soreness

It’s mostly heartache from these stupid articles. See also #1 and #7.

9. Visible lumps

If I could find the author of these horrible articles, I’d make sure he or she had some visible lumps.

10. Dry skin

Gee, that covers everything. Way to make people paranoid in their own skin, Internet!

11. High blood pressure

…Is what you’ll get if you try to self-diagnose based on these ridiculous articles.

12. Menstrual cycle changes

Ask your doctor! But only if she’s a woman. Otherwise, it gets uncomfortable.

Posted in Funny Irreverent Stuff, Serious Stuff | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Ability Beyond measure: Channel 8 interviews the Sharktankers

Ability Beyond and Roses For Autism are fantastic organizations, serving individuals and the public in compassionate and pragmatic ways.

Here is a really nice segment that ran on November 2 in the morning on Channel 8 (Connecticut ABC affiliate) featuring a large project I came in on the tail end of on 10/27. I had a bit part as a shark 🦈🤓 and was honored to be involved as a panelist. 


Thank you for all the fine work you, your organizations and young entrepreneurs do, Paul Starybrat, and for the shout out on TV!! Best of luck to all the new ventures!!#newentrepreneurs #differentabilities #constructivecriticism #followyourpassion #nicesharks

WATCH THE TV INTERVIEW HERE!

Posted in Press Releases, Promos, Serious Stuff | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Celebrate Halloween by ghosting people that deserve it

Whenever you get played, just tell yourself it’s because you are an instrument of love.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I don’t recognize the weird instrument Jon Batiste plays in the opening frames of The Late Show with Stephen Colbert, but it looks like he’s blowing Michael Jackson and Paul McCartney simultaneously.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

They say the presidency ages you. Trump started off acting as if he were two. Now he seems about five.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Trump never mentions the wildfires in California because he hates discussing anything more orange than him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There is controversy over whether or not the Boy Scouts should admit girls to their group. What they really need is cookies.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A new children’s book about gender transitioning is due out soon. It will be titled “See Jane’s Dick.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I went to a lung specialist and he tried to feel my boobs, explaining, “Think about it, no one ever checks from the outside.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If Louis CK wanked off in front of Tig Notaro, then his problems are much worse than I thought.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Women in Saudi Arabia can now drive. I hope they also will be able to parallel park.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I’ve begun to think of my mind as kind of an “idea farm.” There’s lots of manure.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When Helen of Troy became gluten-intolerant, her ass launched a thousand shits.

Posted in Funny Irreverent Stuff | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Standing in my filth: Pig-Pen’s memoir channeled through a lazy housewife

Here’s the main difference between me and the Queen of England: she insists that workers in Buckingham palace walk backwards as they vacuum, so that they don’t leave any footprints. I don’t vacuum.

They say it can be deeply disturbing to your children if they see you doing something really unusual. I recently traumatized my son when he found me cleaning his bathroom.

When my kid says to me the house is messy and what am I doing all day, I reply, the same as you: looking at my phone and fondling my balls.

This whole sitting around with the weight of the world on your shoulders is much more difficult than you’d imagine. For one thing, it really aggravates your hemorrhoids.

Just remember: they say to never judge another person until you get the complete story. This is why it’s very important to always get the complete story.

Posted in Artwork, Funny Irreverent Stuff, Serious Stuff | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

“Beyond the Sea: a Val Rogers Cabaret” – TWO performances in Norwich CT on September 22 and 23rd, 2017

Chestnut Street Playhouse of Norwich, CT presents “Beyond The Sea: A Val Rogers Cabaret” on 9/22-23, 2017 — On Friday and Saturday, September 22 and 23, 2017, at 7:30pm each night, The Chestnut Street Playhouse (24 Chestnut Street, Norwich, CT 06360) and VaJojo Productions present “Beyond The Sea: A Val Rogers Cabaret”.

Val Rogers is an accomplished vocalist and entertainer, as well as a musician, arranger and conceptual artist who has transformed her vast stage experience and love of the ocean into the beautifully crafted “Beyond The Sea.” Val and her fantastic band will perform songs that inspired her during her USO days, including jazz, swing, pop and….beyond! Dancing will be expected and encouraged. Audience members will have access to refreshments and concessions during the performance, which is approximately two and a half hours, with one intermission. For more information and pictures, please check the Facebook event: https://www.facebook.com/events/1169440363160426/?ti=icl

Chestnut Street Playhouse is a beautiful Queen Anne Style building that once housed multiple fire departments, and has been converted into a charming small-seat theater. The firehouse has always been an integral part of downtown historic Norwich, and is the place to be for the blending of performing arts and education. Chestnut Street Playhouse gives special emphasis to developing local talent, and provides quality entertainment in a comfortable setting at affordable prices. More information is available by visiting chestnutstreetplayhouse.org, or by phoning 860-886-2378.

Advance purchase of tickets is required (please visit the convenient TICKET LINK: http://bit.do/CSPBeyond), as space is intimate and limited. Admission is $20 ($25 at door if tickets are still available the day of the performance). There is a $5 corking fee.

Posted in Press Releases, Promos, Serious Stuff | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Roasting the Host with the Most: July 1 in Norwich, CT

This coming Saturday it’s COMEDY NIGHT at Pistol Pete’s Bar & Grill (29 Stonington Rd. Norwich CT)!

It is going to be a birthday celebration, a comedy show and a roast of the host with the MOST…Jeff Wade…all rolled into one good time! Totally bangin lineup including the roastee himself, Marcellino Moose Hill, Scott James Bennett, Jay Are Adams, Melanie Vaverchak and me… as well as a surprise guest or two, PLUS the amazingly funny Howie Mason headlining. Tix only $10. $2 domestic beer and $3 Jack Daniels drinks during the show. Call 860-886-0252 to reserve a seat!

Posted in Funny Irreverent Stuff, Press Releases, Promos, Serious Stuff | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Badass bitches in a recording studio

30 sec promo KJ (Kathy Johansen) and I did last week for Kathy Henkel’s Fitness Five and The Warped View, which air on KBJB Radio….Listen in!! We sound mahvelous! 😂——> Fitness 5 / Warped View spot

Stream KBJB anytime here—> KBJB Radio/TV

Posted in Funny Irreverent Stuff, Press Releases, Promos, Serious Stuff | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments