Thank You For Not Deleting This

Whenever I see someone overcompensating, I want to smash every single window in their house.

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If I had a better memory, I suspect I’d be a lot less forgiving. #forget&forgive

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New York is supposedly the city that never sleeps, but I do think some sections are in a medically-induced coma.

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I wonder if retired prostitutes have residual pain from phantom penises.

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A friend said he “got a cat, or as they call it in China, ‘livestock’.” So I asked him if it was free-range.

Mia mad

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It would be fun to get a dog and name it “Zombeh”. People would constantly ask, “Oh, do you mean Zombie?” And you’d always just say, “No, it’s Zombeh.”

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Subway should’ve told Jared he could look at the kids’ menu, but no ordering. It makes so much more sense now when you think of how he kept saying, “What’s not to love about smaller portions?”

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I’m very excited that I lived to see the first black president, and now, maybe, I’ll see the first Jewish president. What’s next, black and Jewish? #LennyKravitz4prez #GoHisWay

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I found a sesame seed on my clavicle. That’s what I get for eating crackers in bed.

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Some people deserve to be hosed down with kindness.

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I notice I’m a little funnier when I’m slightly drunk. Then again, I’m slightly drunk, so what do I know?

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Physicists know better than anyone that the secret to a long marriage is the power of inertia.

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I have a bullshit-detector in my back. If something’s going wrong, or if I feel I’m getting pushed into a situation I don’t like, my sciatica acts up. It’s as if my unconscious mind is trying to say something to my conscious mind, because my conscious mind is asleep at the wheel. (My sciatica is also aggravated by Andy Griffith reruns.)

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My son went to Rocky Neck with a female friend, and I was going to ask if he had sex on the beach, but I’d rather not know if they’d been drinking.

Sex-on-the-beach

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Because That’s How We Roll: Survivors of Homicide’s 6th Annual “Roly’s Run” (Saturday, 9.20.15, Torrington CT)

Yesterday was the 5th Annual Survivors of Homicide’s charity golf tournament, which took place at Avon’s Blue Fox Run. I was honored to be asked to emcee the awards banquet for this fine fundraising event.

SOH golf tourney program 7.25.15 001

I could not have met a kinder, more life-embracing group of people, and I was honored to be invited back to speak at next year’s ceremonies, which will also likely be the last Saturday in July (of 2016).

Many of the holes had memorials for lost loved ones.

Many of the holes had memorials for lost loved ones.

I would like to mention in particular SOH event organizers Art Jensen and Jessica Pizzano, who ran a hugely fun and successful tournament and banquet. Thank you for including me, and I greatly look forward to future events.

soh golf tourney organizers 7.25.15

I met so many lovely people yesterday, but among them was a great lady named Rose Lagasse. She lost her son in 2008. The 6th Annual “Roly’s Run” takes place on Saturday, September 20th, in Torrington, and honors Roland Lagasse’s memory, as well as raises funds for SOH.

Roly's Run flyer 001

Please consider taking your chopper out of the shed and/or passing the word to your fellow motorcycle enthusiasts about this event. I guarantee if you participate, you’ll feel great, and make new friends. For Life.

the keeper

For more information about Survivors of Homicide, please visit their website by clicking HERE.

SOH LOGOsandy hook

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See Jane Text

See Jane text.

Text, Jane, text.

Jane texts Dick.

Dick texts Jane.

Sends dick pic.

Jane blocks Dick.

Dick learns lesson.

Don’t drunk text.

And need better lighting.

guy-and-girl-texting

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Yays and Neighs and Mayonnaise

To the public figures who constantly self-brand by referring to themselves in the third person with a hashtag and/or to those who feel they can only express themselves with a series of hashtagged phrases: #waytobecool #butyourselfesteemisquestionable #yourmomdidacrapjob #PeopleLoveJoanna #Icandoittoo #Momsaidicould #I’mnotlisteningtoyounanananananananana #nana

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In an attempt to get a more diverse customer base, a successful restaurant chain is changing its name to Olive Skin Garden.

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People are getting “semi-colon” tattoos to signify they tried to commit suicide. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I’d think that if you’re going to pick a punctuation mark for that type of thing, wouldn’t it be more appropriate to get a slash mark? :-\ (Forward slash mark if you’re straight, and backwards if you’re gay)

semicolon-2-1000x530

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In Bridgeport, they opened two police substations within 300 feet of one another, like competing donut shops. That’s a neighborhood with both a high crime rate and glycemic index! It made me think, they should open police substations in all Dunkin’ Donuts. Think of the trips it would save. And those would be the safest coffee shops ever, because criminals would drive right by and say, “We run from Dunkin’!” What I’m really saying is, I want some fucking donuts.

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Some women complain about having to shave, ranting that they will spend  (on average) $10,000 and the equivalent of four months. shaving, over a lifetime. I want to ask, “Exactly how hairy are you?” Let’s not forget that most men shave every single day. From what I hear, it’s expensive and kind of a pain in the face. Frankly, I’m glad they do it because, no offense, I wouldn’t want to look around to see every man having a beard. It would seem kind of biblical. Like the end was coming soon. No, it’s the least I can do, every once in awhile, to shave my pits, and my kneecaps. I’m not that hairy, so my total lifetime investment shaving will be about two weeks and forty-seven dollars.

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In my next lifetime, I’m coming back as a scantily-clad woman who complains about privacy issues.

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If I had a better memory, I suspect I’d be a lot less forgiving. #forget&forgive

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The world may be going to hell in a hand basket, but at least it’s a designer hand-basket.

designer handbasket

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Almond/Hemp-Seed Muffin Top Recipe (Gluten-Free)

These nutritious things I invented are very tasty. And they make the house smell nice!

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Almond/Hemp-Seed Muffin Tops

1 ¼ cup finely ground almond meal/flour

½ cup coconut flour

½ cup raw shelled hemp seed

¼ tsp. salt

2 tsp. baking powder

¾ cup safflower oil

1 cup coconut palm sugar

4 eggs

1 tsp. vanilla extract

¾ cup golden raisins

Preheat oven to 375 degrees with convection if you have it. Grease two “muffin-top” tins (6 in each).

Combine first five ingredients, set aside; combine next four; add egg mixture to dry ingredients and blend thoroughly. Batter looks rough. Add raisins, mix. Drop into muffin tins; bake 10-15 minutes or until firm and dark golden.

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Come See My Whole Smiling Face At Comix/Foxwoods 7/22/15 (8pm)

comix foxwoods

There’s always a fun, fresh crop of comics at the Comix/Foxwoods New Faces shows. I’m in the 8pm show on Wed., July 22nd. Please let me know if you’re coming by!

Hosted by Ryan Brauth. Headliner: Pat Oates. Lineup: Joanna Rapoza, Ryan Shanahan, Matt Heath, Eryca Nolan, Kristine Blinn, Pat Bowlby, Frank Murgalo.
Doors open 7pm; showtime 8pm. Tickets just $10!

To purchase tickets in advance—–> ***Click Here!***

Jo half face bw

Note: lineup subject to change. As a matter of fact, my family vacation schedule changed and *I’m no longer part of the show* – but you should still go, because it will still be great fun and a great value!

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Naked Truths

I recently heard a radio interview of nudists. What a ruse! Those people don’t need towels, they need Harry Potter’s Invisibility Cloak. (Already plenty of wands.)

The only female I heard speak admitted the first time she went to a nudist colony, she was tricked into going. Technically, she was “underinformed” (and soon to be under-attired).

I’ve always felt nudity makes you vulnerable. Like duh. But I feel the need to say the obvious. Nudism has never mainstreamed because it’s not practical, it’s not hygienic, and one literally becomes more vulnerable. Our predominant instinct is to cover up, from the second we come out of our mothers’ wombs.

In ancient times, only infants and the lowly were unclothed. (The Greeks? They just wanted easy anal access.) Slaves, prostitutes; they were the most vulnerable and abused. No wonder we don’t want to be like that. And personally, I don’t like breezes on every inch of my body in a public place. For crying out loud, be a nudist in your home after showering. Remember to draw the drapes; if you’re not covered up, then your windows should be. UNLESS you’re an exhibitionist. Not an attractive quality! And once you hit middle age, every bodily expulsion has a moisture component. Or so I’ve been told. Families are going to nudist colonies, doing everything together from kayaking to grocery shopping. When Mom sneezes, you hear “bless you”, then, “clean up in aisle seven!”

Hey Nudists: instead of carrying around a towel that you have to keep tossing on your boner, or that provides a barrier between the park bench and your urethral emanations, how about……clothing!? Even tiny clothing, just to cover the essentials. We know you want to expose yourself; would you please have the decency of obscuring your bits?  To those who say nudism is natural…..defecation is natural, why don’t we do that in front of each other? Sex is natural; same deal! I’ll tell you why…it’s because it’s uncivilized and pathetic to do these things in front of other people, and so is parading around naked. Plus think of all the extra car accidents.

One final question: do construction workers at nudist colonies get to whistle?

Construction Workers

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