10 signs your husband is secretly Canadian

1. He is reliable and polite.

2. He likes the cold.

3. He has hockey in his blood. (And blood on his jerseys.)

4. He loves meat pie.

5. He gets all his suits in Montreal.

6. His favorite animals are bears and moose.

7. He is a connoisseur of maple syrup and baguettes.

8. He walks like a glacier.

9. He speaks French every chance he gets, which is especially awkward in Chinese restaurants.

10. He thinks the air in Maine smells almost perfect.

Photo credit: bbc.com

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Bellicosity and the Beast

A beauty pageant contestant had a seizure while performing, got up and finished. She wasn’t crowned, but she did get “Most Clutch.”

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I’d rather have resting bitch face than slack-jawed dumbass face.

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Question for quantum physics hobbyists: if you take a shit in this universe, does that mean in an alternate universe, you give a shit?

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It’s not helpful to tell a friend who’s struggling with diet to “keep your chins up.”

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If you see your proctologist and he says “Hey asshole,” just remember he’s not talking to you.

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At an annual mammogram, the technician in training said, “I’m actually more familiar with dick pics.”

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Nothing bespeaks desolation quite as much as an El Camino parked next to a liquor store next to a trailer park.

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Since corporations are now considered people, I’m waiting for the first one to go into psychotherapy. Some of them seem pretty dysfunctional.

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A Scottish man died from a rare bacteria that was living in his bagpipes. This has just ratcheted up Celtic festivals to a new level of excitement.

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Saw two flies on the wall. Watched them have sex. Is this a beastiality joke? Or a “fly on the wall” joke?

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Britain had Brexit. Texas may Texit. But New Jersey has always had Whatexit.

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My spirit animal is in hibernation.

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Can we please confine our detailed sordid discussions of celebrity sex lives only to the good-looking ones?

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I know a guy who helps women find their lost dogs so he can get pussy.

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I don’t mind being seated in a restaurant near couples on a first date because the guys smell super clean.

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Someone told me they liked the cut of my jib. I said stop staring at my jibs.

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A cell phone is like a corded phone except the cord is not attached to the wall; it’s wrapped around your neck.

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Lots of guys shave their entire head if they’re going bald, but then we can see all the lumps and bumps and frankly it’s just as horrifying as a speedo.

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Connecticut sure as hell got talent

Check out my hot three-minute set in the Connecticut’s Got Talent semi-final competition at the historic Wall Street Theater in Norwalk, CT hosted by Billy Blanks Jr. on Friday, February 23, 2018!

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Thyroid Terrorism

I never tire of the Internet visiting me by delivering articles like 12 signs that a thyroid might not be working as it should. Paranoia about health is no longer necessary to propel people to websites to self-diagnose illnesses. The Web can reach out and grab you by the neck, inside of which somewhere is your precious thyroid, and scare the shit out of you for no good reason. 

Below, I explain to the Internet how it’s wrong when it’s trying to tell me (via the above linked article) symptoms indicating my thyroid is messed up.

1. Fatigue

Got it! I’m really tired of poorly written, uninformative health articles.

2. Anxiety and depression

Those articles also make me sad and nervous.

3. Constipation

I’m doing fine. Maybe the Internet needs more fiber.

4. Random sweat

It’s never random; there’s always a reason. And usually a smell.

5. Weight management issues

My only issue is that I think some people gain weight intentionally so they can have more tattoos.

6. Changes in taste

Food still tastes great to me, when I have an appetite.

7. Thinning hair

Reading horribly written, misleading articles makes me pull my hair out. See #1.

8. Muscle soreness

It’s mostly heartache from these stupid articles. See also #1 and #7.

9. Visible lumps

If I could find the author of these horrible articles, I’d make sure he or she had some visible lumps.

10. Dry skin

Gee, that covers everything. Way to make people paranoid in their own skin, Internet!

11. High blood pressure

…Is what you’ll get if you try to self-diagnose based on these ridiculous articles.

12. Menstrual cycle changes

Ask your doctor! But only if she’s a woman. Otherwise, it gets uncomfortable.

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Ability Beyond measure: Channel 8 interviews the Sharktankers

Ability Beyond and Roses For Autism are fantastic organizations, serving individuals and the public in compassionate and pragmatic ways.

Here is a really nice segment that ran on November 2 in the morning on Channel 8 (Connecticut ABC affiliate) featuring a large project I came in on the tail end of on 10/27. I had a bit part as a shark 🦈🤓 and was honored to be involved as a panelist. 


Thank you for all the fine work you, your organizations and young entrepreneurs do, Paul Starybrat, and for the shout out on TV!! Best of luck to all the new ventures!!#newentrepreneurs #differentabilities #constructivecriticism #followyourpassion #nicesharks

WATCH THE TV INTERVIEW HERE!

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Celebrate Halloween by ghosting people that deserve it

Whenever you get played, just tell yourself it’s because you are an instrument of love.

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I don’t recognize the weird instrument Jon Batiste plays in the opening frames of The Late Show with Stephen Colbert, but it looks like he’s blowing Michael Jackson and Paul McCartney simultaneously.


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They say the presidency ages you. Trump started off acting as if he were two. Now he seems about five.

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Trump never mentions the wildfires in California because he hates discussing anything more orange than him.

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There is controversy over whether or not the Boy Scouts should admit girls to their group. What they really need is cookies.

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A new children’s book about gender transitioning is due out soon. It will be titled “See Jane’s Dick.”

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I went to a lung specialist and he tried to feel my boobs, explaining, “Think about it, no one ever checks from the outside.”

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If Louis CK wanked off in front of Tig Notaro, then his problems are much worse than I thought.

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Women in Saudi Arabia can now drive. I hope they also will be able to parallel park.

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I’ve begun to think of my mind as kind of an “idea farm.” There’s lots of manure.

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When Helen of Troy became gluten-intolerant, her ass launched a thousand shits.

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Standing in my filth: Pig-Pen’s memoir channeled through a lazy housewife

Here’s the main difference between me and the Queen of England: she insists that workers in Buckingham palace walk backwards as they vacuum, so that they don’t leave any footprints. I don’t vacuum.

They say it can be deeply disturbing to your children if they see you doing something really unusual. I recently traumatized my son when he found me cleaning his bathroom.

When my kid says to me the house is messy and what am I doing all day, I reply, the same as you: looking at my phone and fondling my balls.

This whole sitting around with the weight of the world on your shoulders is much more difficult than you’d imagine. For one thing, it really aggravates your hemorrhoids.

Just remember: they say to never judge another person until you get the complete story. This is why it’s very important to always get the complete story.

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