💟 Thursday, May 16, 2024 at The Walnut Street Cafe for “The Riot Act” with Patty Punch & Joanna Rapoza, Featuring Danny Gill, with a lineup of new and veteran comedians every third Thursday. Doors 7pm, showtime 8pm. Please arrive early as space is limited; plenty of free street parking. Third Thursdays of each month. No cover, but donations gladly shared by performers when the hat has passed.
Visit us on Facebook for fun pics and more
💟(3) Mondays: July 15, September 23, & December 2, 2024, hosting John Perrotta‘s Comedy Factory open mic at Pub on Park in Cranston, RI, 8pm, no cover
💟Monday, June 17, I am the featured comedian on Paul Santos Live Show! Thank you to the comedy director Allison Dyen! Tapes 7pm at Mikey B’s in New Bedford, MA.
💟(2) Thursdays: July 25 & September 26, 2024, hosting John Perrotta‘s Comedy Factory open mic at Jake & Johnny’s Lounge, Providence, RI, 8:25pm, no cover
💟Remember! 3rd Thursdays in Lynn MA is The Riot Act at Walnut Street Cafe!Brought to you by Joanna Rapoza, Patty Punch and Danny Gill!
💟Stars of The Riot Act: Joanna Rapoza, Patty Punch and Danny Gill 👆🏼👆🏼
For real! I was the guest comedian on the Paul Santos Live show, the taping for which was Tuesday, January 2 at Mikey B’s in New Bedford. It will be aired on the ABC affiliate channel 6 at a date soon to be announced! It was a great experience, and I’m indebted to Allison Dyen of Dyen for Laughs and Paul Santos for including me. Also for my husband‘s family members who showed up and were part of an excellent crowd. Paul Santos Live usually tapes Mondays at Mikey B’s in New Bedford, Massachusetts, where show guests can enjoy 10% off their bill. Follow the show on Facebook to get the latest schedule: Paul Santos Live Show on Facebook
I’m thrilled to announce I’ll be back in the spring performing as my alter ego Grace Whitestone. If you want to take a look at the festivities before they air on TV:
I told Dean I was going to start calling the fight over abortion “The Battle of the Bulge.” Then I stuck my stomach out and said, “I’m pregnant! Who’s the father?” He replied, “The Michelin Man.”
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America and New Zealand are the only countries that allow direct drug advertising to consumers. My blood boils every time I see a Big Pharma commercial, but I’m sure they have a pill for that.
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Standup comedy has corrupted my brain. I caught part of one of the later Star Trek movies where the cyborg character Data is going wild and murdering people. My thought: “Someone somewhere is jerking off to this.”
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Then watching one of the earlier Star Trek movies, I saw the Enterprise getting sucked toward a giant energy field, at the core of which was something that looked like a Star of David. I imagined a nasal voice announcing, “Hello, we are the Space Jews. Prepare for your laser.” [I’m Jewish.]
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On the rare occasions when I fall in love with a cat at the shelter where I volunteer, I convince myself that I have both strong attachment to, yet don’t care for the kitty. I call these “Schrodinger’s Feelings.”
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I’ve always tried hard to not be offensive, but now I keep reading that you are not successful if you don’t have haters, so f@ck all you motherf@cking c@cksuckers.
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If you’ve got bad gas and I move away from you at an open mic, don’t feel insulted. I’ve lived with men for years, and I’m near Narragansett Bay so I’m really tired of all the smells.
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If I ever met Teddy Roosevelt, I would point out that comedians speak loudly and carry a small stick.
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I want a t-shirt that says “This Empath Just Loaded The Dishwasher.”
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Bill Clinton ditched the FCC rule requiring people to use their real names when posting online. This led to the social media billionaires and echo chambers where lies are amplified and violence is instigated. Bill did get some decent stuff done as president, but he had too much dirty laundry, one of the things he had in common with Monica Lewinsky.
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To Gardeners: if you raise plants and display them, you are a grow-er and a show-er.
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I finally decluttered my house. Now my car is a mess.
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Like Virginia, North Carolina may be for lovers, but it’s definitely not for your liver.
Aqua restaurant in Beaufort, NC
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A brain scan study using questionable methodology said cannabis was doing more damage than publicly acknowledged, but it seemed like the author had an ax to grind. And the rest of the us have weed to grind.
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Traveling through North Carolina, I passed a marine base. I read there were strict rules about pets in the barracks: only two allowed per household, and they must be “controlled at all times.” You can bet on that base there was no dog poop left behind.
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I didn’t realize North Carolina is really the heart of the Bible Belt. I sneezed in my hotel lobby, and five people blessed me.
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One recent morning, instead of immediately feeling the constant strain of existential dread that underlies the subconscious effort to hold the world up with hope and good intention, I decided to let go and visualize the universe as a supportive hammock, suspending me and temporarily removing the exhaustion of continuous and baseless worrying. Then I stubbed my toe hard and realized again that I was completely on my own.
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In a world where assholes get ahead, I’m happy to stay behind.
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Being unflappable takes on new meaning in your later years, if you can achieve it.
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Someone suggested castration or a lesser consequence for the co-conspirators of unwanted pregnancies (i.e., the fathers). The very least they can do is spring for half the future community college fees.
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HERballing: /(h)ərbôlliNG/ When a woman knows herbal medicine, she be ballin.
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Have you ever wanted to say to someone, “I don’t like you, and your dog is boring”?
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How is a 14 year old McDonald’s hamburger like an old man? Disintegrated pickle.
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Consider how unattractive MTG is even with all the makeup/hair/dresses. I told my friend she looks like a cavewoman. My friend said no, classic horse-face. We can’t decide, but we do think it’d be great karma if she were run over by a cavewoman on a horse.
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My friend said that when you clean your colon, you clean your mind. I asked her if that meant she thought I had my head up my ass.
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If someone says my humor is ineffable, does that mean I need to use more swear words?
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The only two letters following my last name are BS, but I definitely have more shit, and it’s piled higher and deeper.
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Ever since we moved to Providence, RI from Hartford, CT three years ago, whenever it snows, my husband points out how many more inches they got than us, and I never make a joke. I deserve credit!
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I was born on the upper east side of Manhattan, but had a crib waiting for me in central New Jersey. I left one home through a tunnel and got to my next one over a bridge. #bridgeandtunnel
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I want to see a Servpro commercial with a hippie going, “Like…..it never happened, man.”
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Don’t ever feel insignificant. Our sun is one of billions and billions of stars, yet look at how critical to life it is for all of us. Plus it’s just really cute.
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If you are going to smuggle nips into someplace, doesn’t it make the most sense to put them in your bra?
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Those new commercials that playfully suggest “doing it every night” (that is, run the dishwasher) have spawned a new breed of pornos. Don’t ask about Rinsing Agent.
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Why isn’t there a country tune titled “I’m Just a Corporate Peon, Please Don’t Peon Me”?
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Children have sugar and hope. Adults have liquor and resignation. I wrote this on a good day.
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The rich person’s version of ending up living under a bridge is eventually having to fly economy class.
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Physicist Stephen Hawking was a frequent visitor to Little St. James (aka Jeffrey Epstein) Island. Apparently he was quite a quarksman.
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Are you going to finish that….joke? A comic said an Uber driver told him she got $40 tips because she drove people home with her boobs out. He said, “Do I look like the kind of person that gives $40 tips?” And he left it there! He should’ve added, “Here’s 20 bucks. Pull out your right tit!”
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I’m becoming a very Zen person, if being Zen means needing a nap after each meal.
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What if the first molecule that twitched to life 4 million years ago just wanted to jerk off and not reproduce?
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I have come to the conclusion that the first cell on earth that came to life 4 billion years ago did so because of a carbon base, an influx of hydrogen, and a shot of tequila. This is what’s known as Popular Science.
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Got someone to fall for this: “Did you hear about that brand new CIDER? It’s called DICKENS!”
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I have never liked gin. A bully in my neighborhood made us kids eat juniper berries from his yard. I suppose if he’d had an agave plant, I also would hate tequila.
If you’re lucky enough to reach a point in your life where you don’t feel the weight of schedules, you should pencil in some “me time” to celebrate.
We are on schedules before we’re even born. Everything is tracked, beginning in the womb! Did you hit your development marks on time before you slid through the birth canal? (Cesarean babies: let’s face it; you started your life off with a hack!)
As soon as you’re born, you are on a feeding and sleeping schedule… and the sad realization is, you will be, for the rest of your life!
Within a couple of years, you start to get trained for a pooping and peeing schedule. You have no choice but to stick to it forever, unless you plan to be an “irregular” person.
Still maintaining all of these schedules, at the fifth year mark, you add school, with its overwhelming schedules, the type of which you’ll dream about for years to come. Then eventually you get a job, with its own fun form of clock watching.
If you stay home from work and take care of a child, then you’re still on a schedule!
It’s funny, but when you’re on a schedule, you have very little time. When you have plenty of time, you’ve got no schedule. No one can interrupt your regularly scheduled program, because you don’t have one!
It takes a very long time to decompress from this lifelong weight of scheduling. I still wake up very early in the morning with my mind like a gerbil on a wheel, spinning through all the things I’ve got to get done that day, and the consequences if I do not. I guess what I’m realizing is I’m never really free of the dreaded schedule. I need a Time Out!
I’m a trained and experienced voice artist, fortunate to have studied with the best (Peter Drew and Michael Ciulla, who produced this demo…kind of a humorist himself if you listen to the end!)
I told my friend I felt high hopes for her new relationship. That was because I had just smoked a fat joint.
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If you say you’re going to cut back on the THC, does that mean you’ll just be doing H?
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I was never a wallflower. I liked sitting. And weed.
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Got a speeding ticket on my way to the dispensary. I told the officer I was planning to slow down as soon as I got my medicine.
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I was at a stoplight in an unfamiliar area, and noticed a large attractive business with ample parking adjacent and I thought, “I wonder if that place does comedy.“ As I moved through the intersection, I saw that it was a funeral home, then heard a tiny voice from somewhere say, “Yeah, you don’t wanna play that room just yet.“
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When I talk like characters on The Sopranos, I feel as if I’m cutting to the Chase. If I could name one of the many college courses based on The Sopranos, I’d call it Chase’s Choices.
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I’d rather see a mycologist than a psychologist.
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I tried a weighted blanket. It didn’t help me sleep, but I burned twice as many calories tossing and turning. I looked great, from working out as I slumbered! However, after a couple of weeks, I got a stress fracture in my hip, so I tossed the thing out, which of course, caused a hernia.
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On Covid surveys, why don’t they ask if you are experiencing existential dread?
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I posit that if I had a drink in the sand and my toes in my hand, I’d probably still be having a good time.
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A guy once told me that I had a “nice container.“ I now realize he was full of ship.
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When it comes to having a supportive network for comedy, it comes down to rabbits and fish. It’s most effective if your family has bred like rabbits and your friends drink like fish.
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What do squirrels in the springtime and obese men have in common? They both experience difficulty finding their nuts.
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“Platonic Spooning” is something that occurs when there is physical contact, but no Forking.
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My spirit animal would go into hibernation, but then who is gonna tell these jokes? Get out to a comedy show near you soon for some holiday healing. 🧑🏼🎄
Writing is rewarding, but can be painful, like giving birth. And it’s not like you can give your fingertips an epidural, because then you wouldn’t be able to type.
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My first thought every day upon awakening is “What can I do for my country?” Then, “I gotta pee.”
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One time during lockdown I went to the grocery store and realized I looked like Richard Simmons. Thank God for my mask.
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I’ve not hung with many PhDs, but when I do, they tend to keep mentioning their degrees. Should I bring up my BS?
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Mitch McConnell’s marriage to an Asian woman was one of convenience. He hated having to go out for Chinese food.
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I was about to go into a store when the wind blew my door open, hard, into the adjacent car, before the owner came back to it and saw the damage. I figured it was an act of God and I didn’t need to mention it, because I don’t discuss religion with strangers.
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Driving home I enjoyed the ambient smell of firewood. Or was it burning furniture? Anyway let’s hope the economy picks up.
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That stripper pole in my house was a good investment because I’m about to have it converted to senior citizen hand rails.
Example of senior scissoring
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I read that when Pete Buttigieg got his federal appointment, he “sailed through” the hearings. Of course, since he’s Transportation Secretary, he also could have driven, flown, or taken a bus.
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Former president Trump will be lending his name to a chain of car repair shops. It will be called “No Collision.”
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Right now I’m filled with good humor. No really, I just ate a tub of ice cream.
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When I get high, I can watch birds endlessly. Maybe that’s what makes me want to ask people I see birdwatching, “Are you high?”
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A woman in a parking lot seemed to get bent out of shape that it was taking me so long to load my groceries into my car, thereby trapping her. As she walked off in a huff I said, “I didn’t see you there. Have you lost weight?“
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I am a social drinker, but I enjoy my own company, and that’s how I am able to successfully drink alone.
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Did you know you’re not supposed to consume alcohol when you’re on antidepressants? That’s why I stopped consuming antidepressants.
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I’ve always been ahead of the curve
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I read that the breath of people in ketosis smells like ammonia. What if they go down on someone who’s been bleached? I hope they have the Poison Hotline handy, and keep the area well-ventilated.
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When you smile, the whole world smiles with you. Take a dump on your neighbor’s front yard and you’re on your own.
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Watching actors with too much Botox try to emote is like observing someone attempting to drive a motor vehicle while wearing a straight jacket. It’s doable, but not fun for anyone. Some comedians, on the other hand, could use some Botox to keep a straight face.
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If Texans can bring lawsuits against Uber drivers that transport people to an abortion, they also should be able to sue meteorologists for promising good weather for a vacation that becomes a complete washout.
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I embody the two parts of this country that used to be joined: I like Molly Hatchet, along with Miss Slick Titty Boom’s right to control her hoo-haa.
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In high school, I’d draw pictures that would make people ask if I was on LSD. To which I’d always reply, “Not yet.”
early self-portrait
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I have an ex-partier friend who’s now at an age where she can’t tell if she is having a flashback or a mini-stroke.
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I had a disturbing dream I’d changed my stage name to “Billie Celery,” which obviously, would invite stalking.
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Dick Cheney has been critical of the January 6, 2021 U.S. Capitol insurrection, commenting, “If we don’t take special care of our democracy, we won’t have one in the future to rape and pillage.”
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I saw Dave Chapelle’s latest Netflix special. He’s getting a rash of shit from the LGBTQ community, yet I don’t hear a peep out of the Space Jews.
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My forgetfulness comes from my father’s side, but it also comes from my father’s side.
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When trying to develop a supportive network for comedy, it comes down to rabbits and fish. It’s most effective if your family has bred like rabbits, and your friends drink like fish.
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Damn Autocorrect insists that if it walks like a dug and quacks like a dog, it must be a dock. Flack you, Autocorrect!
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My spirit animal may be going into hibernation! I have a big birthday tomorrow. Drop me a line and wish me a good one. Cheers 🥂
Ever encounter someone and want to say, “Your dog is boring, and you’re never going to meet anyone that way”?
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Cartoon idea: Native American Chief stands in Starbucks in full regalia holding a hot beverage as the barista looks on expectantly for approval. Chief squints and says, “The pumpkin spice is strong in this one.”
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I wish I could go back in time and help Native Americans the best way I know how…by assuring them in the future there is something coming that’s way better than a peace pipe: the peace bong.
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My husband and I are so reserved in certain ways that no one would imagine we have sex. Half the time I’m not even aware.
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Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can pay for a decent health plan to better deal with problems that result from chronic unhappiness.
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I found the invoice from the gynecologist for my brother’s delivery, but couldn’t find one for me so I’m thinking it was a buy one/get one free special.
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When I was small, I had a bit part in a stage production of the musical “Hair.” I was a follicle.
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One nice thing about Covid is men are starting to notice women’s eyes a bit more.
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I have difficulty believing “Pecksniff” is a real name. I’d love to see the family coat of arms.
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What if Rhett Butler was gay? Maybe he didn’t give a damn because he wasn’t into pussy.
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Most parents know how tough it is to finally tell their kids the truth about Santa Claus, but it’s nothing compared to having to break the news to them about Bob Crane.
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I saw a needlepoint in someone’s bathroom that said, “If it’s yellow / It still does smell-o / Don’t make me frown / Please flush it down.”
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It’s still not understood how antidepressants function, but then again no one really knows how weed works either.
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If you don’t suffer from depression, you just may be a carrier.
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They say you’re not supposed to drink alcohol while on antidepressants, but it really does ease the hangovers.
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If you tell me you’ve written 800 jokes so far during Covid, I’d say you were kidding yourself.
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Just because someone else felt comfortable enough to tell you an ultrasound showed their baby had a penis does not mean that you should feel comfortable enough to ask, “How big is it?”
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I saw toilet paper made from bamboo. Probably not a good idea to purchase it because people might think you have a stick up your ass.
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500 years from now, black historians will be so tickled over how much wypipo started saying “motherfucker.” Also, “wypipo.”
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I hope Trump does not die in the White House. We don’t need his ghost roaming around there. People will be waking up at 2am and smelling fried chicken. That simply won’t do.
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There are some things I just can’t mess with. For instance, porn, or ghosts. If I see either one, I’ll start crying. #tooempathic
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One nice thing about this furshluginer pandemic is no one can blame you if you bogart that joint. #justcallmehumphnpuffbogart
RangeleyMoose Droppings 