#ChangeAWordRuinADisneyMovie ….. and why?

“The Shagging Dog”….. because they never fixed him

shaggy dog

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“Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Toupée”….. it was a bad hair day from hell

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“Fartasia”….. epic Chinese food gastro turbulence (set to music)

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“30,000 Leagues Under The Sea”….. updated for global warming

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“Roofied Beauty”….. comatose women are hot  (Starring Bill Cosby)

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“Monsters, LLC”….. their tax accountant scared them into changing from Inc.

Monsters Inc movie image Pixar

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“Lady and the Cramps”….. breeders weep when bitches menstruate

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“The Sword In The Stoner”….. epic munchie fail

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“Pilates of the Caribbean”….. Johnny Depp stretches on the beach

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“Honey, I Fucked the Kids”….. how a man with tiny genitalia found sexual healing (Starring Bill Cosby)

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“Mom’s Got a Date With a Terrorist”….. and you thought vampires drew blood

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“Herbie’s Fully Loaded”…..  he inhaled fumes

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“Winnie the Poop”….. honey bear wants ass play

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“Beauty and the Queef”….. yeast is a beast

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“That Darn Crap”….. because the fucking cat won’t shit in the box

 

That-darn-cat-8

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420 Honey

How can I take all those Buzzfeed quizzes seriously when they are riddled with spelling errors?

buzzfeed2

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Is it still considered temperance if it’s imposed?

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Two cowboys sidle up to a bar in the old Wild West, glaring at each other. One barks at the bartender, “Vicodin,” and the other says “Percocet,” and they continue to give one another looks of death. #pharmawarriors

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Native American emerges from teepee to greet Peapod truck:  “I asked for a peace pipe.  But, OK.  We’re out of bananas.”

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I had a chilling sense of déjà vu watching English Premier League soccer with my son.  I asked him, “How long is their season?”  And he replied, “I don’t know.”  We sat there for a moment, and I realized I didn’t care the other time either.

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I like free range chicken as well as its offspring, free rolling eggs.

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Bracelets for Mike Tyson’s charity are worn on the ankle.

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It says a lot in the bible about wine, but no where, ever, does it mention the Sulfites.  (A bothersome group, but good at preserving their stuff.)

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A naked man hiding in the ceiling of a Logan Airport ladies’ room broke through and ran away frantically.  He assaulted an old man with his own cane as he attempted to flee, unclothed, through the terminal.  But, hey, no delay at the scanner for that guy.

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I’d like to start the cannabis version of Edible Arrangements and call it “Reefer A Friend”.

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Women who complain there’s no mini-bar in this crappy hotel are too classy to do the practical thing and carry a pint of something in their purse.

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Something tells me The Girl With The Pearl Earring also got a necklace to go with it.

Girl With The Pearl Earring

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In A Pithy Mood

When people ask for a nice Hawaiian punch line, I say kummoniwannaleah.
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The unpasteurized apple cider we’ve been enjoying from the local farm-stand contains something known as a “pre-biotic”. You drink it before you have diarrhea.

glass-of-cider
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Regarding the nurse from Maine who violated her ebola quarantine: I’d like a second opinion.
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Morbidly obese person: “An apple a day is supposed to keep the doctor away. Now if I could just find that apple…”
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I don’t take an aspirin every day. Every day, I take my chances.
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Old geishas never die, they just limp away.
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When people are talking about beer flavors, how come they never say they sense overtones of “grain silo”?
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My son had a 9 p.m. hockey game, which required a nap during the day. For me.
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Every time a selfie of some hot babe I don’t know comes up in my Facebook feed because a male friend and a zillion other guys liked it and/or commented, I unfollow the woman because I can’t stand when females contribute directly to their own sexual objectification. They should believe they’re sexy without looking like hookers, unless they actually are hookers, in which case, kudos to them.
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Support the Vulgar Arts:  go see a stand-up comedy show near you today.

Jo at Caroline's June 2012

 

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The Gender Crap

Why my early arguments didn’t work well: “She may have a bigger boob size, but I have a larger IQ.”

“You can’t motorboat an IQ.”
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Roughly 50% of the people who sit for the PSATs don’t actually sit when they pee.
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Jack Benny arms folded

I wonder if Jack Benny’s arm-crossing shtick began with him feeling chilly on the set.

I’ll never forget Bill Maher once saying on Real Time, when one of his famous guests complained it was cold, “Could someone please get Larry King a shawl?”

Jack Benny old lady
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My friend realized she was hanging with a rough crowd when a man asked her, “Do you come here often?” And then grabbed her crotch.
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If men gave more thought to science than they do to sports, we’d have cured some big diseases by now. Still would probably have all of the Viagra commercials, though.
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Mary Matalin has a surgically implanted poker face.

Mary Matalin poker face
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A woman died because her airbag exploded in her Honda Accord.  (And that’s why I drive a Civic.)  Folks with the defective airbag are instructed to get to their dealerships right away, but they’re having trouble finding someone to drive them.  Humidity is supposed to be a big factor in triggering the explosions, so people not only have to deal with bad hair days, there’s also shrapnel.

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I break for Zach Galifianakis look-alikes.

Zach Galifianakis driving

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Come, Eat, Laugh! **J’s Crab Shack in Hartford Nov. 1** **The Cracker Barrel Pub in Tariffville Nov. 6**

I’m delighted to be appearing in two upcoming local comedy shows!  Although my name did not make it for the initial event posters (below), I’ll be stopping in on BOTH shows for a guest spot.  The food is EXCELLENT in both places – come, eat, laugh!  It’s a good idea to start with reservations, though –

J’s Crab Shack (2074 Park St., Hartford):      860-231-9545

The Cracker Barrel Pub (30 Main St., Tariffville):     860-651-0598

I hope to see you there!

 

Cracker Barrel 11.6 (2)

Cracker Barrel 11.6 (1)

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Unconscious Couplings

I think a Cheese Whiz creature came alive in the back of my pantry.

Next time this guy stops by will be the second coming.

Next time this guy stops by will be the second coming.

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I saw a carpenter ant walk by carrying a toenail clipping.  Clearly working on a large project.

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Cartoon idea:  two girls arriving at an ancient Greek party.  “Oh look, minotaurs.  I hear they’re hung like a horse.”

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How hairy was Robin Williams?  He could clog a drain at fifty paces. #fuzzyandfunny

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Why did the statistician cross the road?  He wanted to get to the median.

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My sleep number is 180.  I lay my feet on the pillow.

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It’s so cute how Subway Sandwich Shops utilize all those old Easy-Bake Ovens.

SNACK CENTRAL

SNACK CENTRAL

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Tiny mites are living in our facial pores!  I wonder if, at night, they converse with the mites in our bedding.  #pillowtalk

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Maybe if his name had been Jeffrey “Dimer”, his freezer would have been stocked with little bags of weed, instead.

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I was taken aback when I incorrectly read the subject line of an email from President Obama as, “I’ve Got A Blunt”, instead of “I’m Gonna Be Blunt”.  #hashtagged

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Did you ever look at your phone and go, “This started as an orange juice can and a string!  Look how far they’ve come.”

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Sometimes I’m actually giving people the finger, it’s just embedded in my waving hand.

No offense to Big Papi

No offense to Big Papi

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Press Release for “Deceptions and Disguises – A Night of Comedy”, Saturday, October 25, 2014

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Contact:  Joanna Rapoza
Phone:  860-913-7944
rangeleymoose@sbcglobal.net

Glastonbury Resident to Host/Produce Comedy Show
“Deceptions and Disguises — A Night of Comedy

Glastonbury, CT (September 12, 2014) — Local writer/comedian Joanna Rapoza produces and hosts “Deceptions and Disguises – A Night of Comedy” on Saturday, October 25, 2014 from 7pm to 10pm at Dakota Steakhouse, 1489 Silas Deane Highway, Rocky Hill, CT.  The event includes a three-course meal and four performers doing ninety minutes of stand-up comedy.  Tickets are available in advance ($47 per person plus $2.64 handling fee) at http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/847789. Salad bar/cocktail hour beginning at 7pm, with 8pm dinner/showtime.

Headlining the event is Linda Belt, a New Jersey native transplanted to Connecticut in 1987 who has been a full-time professional comedian for over ten years.  Her humor touches on a wide range of topics, including the absurdities of modern life, marriage, divorce, parenting and social mores.  Linda has performed throughout the United States in prominent clubs, festivals, contests, private and corporate events, as well as on Royal Caribbean Cruise Lines.  She has been profiled in the Hartford Courant, New Jersey Star Ledger and Chicago Tribune, and has appeared on affiliates of NBC and ABC in the New England and DC areas.

Featured comic for the event is Rob Santos, a Connecticut-based performer who started out in the New York comedy circuit.  His style draws from his biracial origins, and his ability to connect with the crowd has racked him up accolades in regional contests.  Rob had a spot on ESPN’s web series Mayne Street with Kenny Mayne and regularly appears at events and fundraisers as well as clubs all over the Northeast.

Stopping in for a guest spot will be Springfield-based comedian Jess Miller.  Jess has produced and hosted a number of major fundraising comedy events featuring national talent from New York City.  She also regularly appears in New England and NYC comedy clubs such as Joker’s Wild in New Haven and Caroline’s on Broadway.

Joanna Rapoza has been a Glastonbury resident since 1995.  Her husband is a hospital administrator and her fifteen year-old son is an important source of information for her subversive humor.  Formerly an accountant with an artistic side, Joanna began performing stand-up comedy and writing her blog “RangeleyMoose Droppings” in early 2011.  She performs at clubs and events in New York, CT and Massachusetts, including Caroline’s on Broadway, Rumpy’s Tavern in Lenox, MA and various fundraisers.

Tickets for the October 25 event must be purchased in advance by going to http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/847789; $47 per person with $2.64 handling fee.  Price includes 90 minutes of stand-up comedy entertainment plus unlimited salad bar, choice of entree/side dish, bread, coffee/tea, dessert.  Cash bar.  Line-up subject to change. Audience members are encouraged to come in costume or as themselves.

For more information about the event and/or performers, please visit https://rangeleymoose.wordpress.com/2014/08/23/deceptions-disguises-a-night-of-comedy-saturday-october-25-2014-in-rocky-hill-ct/ or email rangeleymoose@sbcglobal.net.

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LINDA BELT

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ROB SANTOS

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JESS MILLER

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JOANNA RAPOZA

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