The Gender Crap

Why my early arguments didn’t work well: “She may have a bigger boob size, but I have a larger IQ.”

“You can’t motorboat an IQ.”
Roughly 50% of the people who sit for the PSATs don’t actually sit when they pee.

Jack Benny arms folded

I wonder if Jack Benny’s arm-crossing shtick began with him feeling chilly on the set.

I’ll never forget Bill Maher once saying on Real Time, when one of his famous guests complained it was cold, “Could someone please get Larry King a shawl?”

Jack Benny old lady
My friend realized she was hanging with a rough crowd when a man asked her, “Do you come here often?” And then grabbed her crotch.
If men gave more thought to science than they do to sports, we’d have cured some big diseases by now. Still would probably have all of the Viagra commercials, though.
Mary Matalin has a surgically implanted poker face.

Mary Matalin poker face

A woman died because her airbag exploded in her Honda Accord.  (And that’s why I drive a Civic.)  Folks with the defective airbag are instructed to get to their dealerships right away, but they’re having trouble finding someone to drive them.  Humidity is supposed to be a big factor in triggering the explosions, so people not only have to deal with bad hair days, there’s also shrapnel.

I break for Zach Galifianakis look-alikes.

Zach Galifianakis driving

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Come, Eat, Laugh! **J’s Crab Shack in Hartford Nov. 1** **The Cracker Barrel Pub in Tariffville Nov. 6**

I’m delighted to be appearing in two upcoming local comedy shows!  Although my name did not make it for the initial event posters (below), I’ll be stopping in on BOTH shows for a guest spot.  The food is EXCELLENT in both places – come, eat, laugh!  It’s a good idea to start with reservations, though –

J’s Crab Shack (2074 Park St., Hartford):      860-231-9545

The Cracker Barrel Pub (30 Main St., Tariffville):     860-651-0598

I hope to see you there!


Cracker Barrel 11.6 (2)

Cracker Barrel 11.6 (1)

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Unconscious Couplings

I think a Cheese Whiz creature came alive in the back of my pantry.

Next time this guy stops by will be the second coming.

Next time this guy stops by will be the second coming.


I saw a carpenter ant walk by carrying a toenail clipping.  Clearly working on a large project.


Cartoon idea:  two girls arriving at an ancient Greek party.  “Oh look, minotaurs.  I hear they’re hung like a horse.”


How hairy was Robin Williams?  He could clog a drain at fifty paces. #fuzzyandfunny


Why did the statistician cross the road?  He wanted to get to the median.


My sleep number is 180.  I lay my feet on the pillow.


It’s so cute how Subway Sandwich Shops utilize all those old Easy-Bake Ovens.




Tiny mites are living in our facial pores!  I wonder if, at night, they converse with the mites in our bedding.  #pillowtalk


Maybe if his name had been Jeffrey “Dimer”, his freezer would have been stocked with little bags of weed, instead.


I was taken aback when I incorrectly read the subject line of an email from President Obama as, “I’ve Got A Blunt”, instead of “I’m Gonna Be Blunt”.  #hashtagged


Did you ever look at your phone and go, “This started as an orange juice can and a string!  Look how far they’ve come.”


Sometimes I’m actually giving people the finger, it’s just embedded in my waving hand.

No offense to Big Papi

No offense to Big Papi

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Press Release for “Deceptions and Disguises – A Night of Comedy”, Saturday, October 25, 2014

Contact:  Joanna Rapoza
Phone:  860-913-7944

Glastonbury Resident to Host/Produce Comedy Show
“Deceptions and Disguises — A Night of Comedy

Glastonbury, CT (September 12, 2014) — Local writer/comedian Joanna Rapoza produces and hosts “Deceptions and Disguises – A Night of Comedy” on Saturday, October 25, 2014 from 7pm to 10pm at Dakota Steakhouse, 1489 Silas Deane Highway, Rocky Hill, CT.  The event includes a three-course meal and four performers doing ninety minutes of stand-up comedy.  Tickets are available in advance ($47 per person plus $2.64 handling fee) at Salad bar/cocktail hour beginning at 7pm, with 8pm dinner/showtime.

Headlining the event is Linda Belt, a New Jersey native transplanted to Connecticut in 1987 who has been a full-time professional comedian for over ten years.  Her humor touches on a wide range of topics, including the absurdities of modern life, marriage, divorce, parenting and social mores.  Linda has performed throughout the United States in prominent clubs, festivals, contests, private and corporate events, as well as on Royal Caribbean Cruise Lines.  She has been profiled in the Hartford Courant, New Jersey Star Ledger and Chicago Tribune, and has appeared on affiliates of NBC and ABC in the New England and DC areas.

Featured comic for the event is Rob Santos, a Connecticut-based performer who started out in the New York comedy circuit.  His style draws from his biracial origins, and his ability to connect with the crowd has racked him up accolades in regional contests.  Rob had a spot on ESPN’s web series Mayne Street with Kenny Mayne and regularly appears at events and fundraisers as well as clubs all over the Northeast.

Stopping in for a guest spot will be Springfield-based comedian Jess Miller.  Jess has produced and hosted a number of major fundraising comedy events featuring national talent from New York City.  She also regularly appears in New England and NYC comedy clubs such as Joker’s Wild in New Haven and Caroline’s on Broadway.

Joanna Rapoza has been a Glastonbury resident since 1995.  Her husband is a hospital administrator and her fifteen year-old son is an important source of information for her subversive humor.  Formerly an accountant with an artistic side, Joanna began performing stand-up comedy and writing her blog “RangeleyMoose Droppings” in early 2011.  She performs at clubs and events in New York, CT and Massachusetts, including Caroline’s on Broadway, Rumpy’s Tavern in Lenox, MA and various fundraisers.

Tickets for the October 25 event must be purchased in advance by going to; $47 per person with $2.64 handling fee.  Price includes 90 minutes of stand-up comedy entertainment plus unlimited salad bar, choice of entree/side dish, bread, coffee/tea, dessert.  Cash bar.  Line-up subject to change. Audience members are encouraged to come in costume or as themselves.

For more information about the event and/or performers, please visit or email










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This, But That

When I’m severely anxiety-ridden, I remind myself of the two most important things a human being needs to hear:  I am safe, and I am cute.


I’d rather have a bottlenose dolphin in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.



Never trust a terrorist with his bombs strapped on diagonally.  Something off about that.


Am I a Cyber Lounge Lizard?  No, but I’m kind of a digital Komodo Dragon.


Arab children’s book:  “Are You My Schwarma?”


So it’s illegal to text while driving, but how about writing with pencil and paper?


I would rather find ear buds than acquire an ear worm.


Instead of pepper spray, how about cinnamon?  It would freshen up the attack site.


I’m a Jewish Buddhist.  I deny myself, except around chopped liver.


I have a friend who’s rough around the edges but hey, we can’t all be so fucking refined.


If you give someone a hand job at jazz camp, do you get jazz hands?



I want to write a book titled “How to Raise a Child With a High”.  That’s it, that is all.


I told my son I’d listen to rap with him if he’d discuss the issues with me afterwards.


I wish I were a water cooler, because it’s nice when people gather around me.  Also, I like to stay hydrated.


Some old rock bands are not only washed up, they’re now clean.


I got burned, but then I opened the floodgates.


Mintiness is next to cleanliness.


Dub step sounds like someone gave a rock and roll machine to toddlers.


Virginia may be for lovers, but Ohio is apparently for weirdos.


You’ve heard of the Madonna/Whore syndrome.  Now we have Dufus/Warriors!  Men who are nerds in the office, but in the bedroom, they whip out their Samurai swords.


When Quasimodo wasn’t quite feeling himself, was he quasi-Quasimodo?


If you’re going to be someone’s doormat, at least get laid properly.


There are many people in THIS country who’d like an iron dome.  Over their litter box.


Un Poquito Toco: nice name for a small hash store


I eat like a Frenchwoman but I swear like a truck driver.


I gave up being a perfectionist because I’m happy with the way I are.




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Deceptions & Disguises: A Night of Comedy – Saturday, October 25, 2014 in Rocky Hill, CT


 LINDA BELT(headliner), ROB SANTOS (featured comic), guest comic JESS MILLER and yours truly, JOANNA RAPOZA hosting.  CLICK TO PURCHASE TICKETS RIGHT HERE !!



Come as yourself or in a favorite costume / alter-ego.


DAKOTA Steakhouse Rocky Hill, CT (1489 Silas Deane Highway)

dakota steakhouseWhen?

Saturday, OCTOBER 25, 2014, 7-10pm

How (much)?

$47 – for entertainment plus food (incl. tax/gratuity)

unlimited salad bar, entree, dessert, coffee/tea, bread


**Here’s another chance to CLICK & BUY TICKETS (a modest processing fee of $2.64 added at checkout) **


Because we all need to laugh together.  And you want to wear that Halloween costume one extra time this year.


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Let Me Fartertain You

Flatulism sounds like it could be a decent religion, or at least a working philosophy. (“When in doubt, fart it out“?)

In reality, it’s a form of entertainment that has been around since ancient times. Professional farters, or flatulists, were at the “lower end” of the performers’ spectrum available to the wealthy during medieval times. But a bard or comedian who was also able to fart on command was actually sitting on a major party asset.

Back in the court of England’s King Henry II, “Roland the Farter” was a big hit. He held land in return for jester services, which included an annual royal Christmas performance of “Unum saltum et siffletum et unum bumbulum” (one jump, one whistle, and one fart.)

French flatulist “Le Pétomane” (whose real last name was Pujol; you just can’t make this stuff up) was active in the late 1800s and early 1900s.  I watched an old film of him online, farting into a huge funnel, but it was silent.  I also found this picture, where I believe the Gallic gas-maker is urging someone to pull his finger.


A few years ago, someone named “Mr. Methane” blew it on Britain’s Got Talent. Not only did he bomb, none of the performers wanted to use the microphone after him. Backstage, they gave him a wide berth. The judges were not impressed with him because they went home and did the same thing every night. On the plus side, it was a great way to bring some classical music to television’s wider audience.

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